It’s not complicated. Someone messed with President Museveni’s iPad and now his iTunes shuffle feature won’t work. Something had to be shuffled. And so he shuffled.

♫ EVERY DAY I’M SHUFFLING ♪…

Hi. My name is Eric, and this is the Uganda Cabinet Reshuffle 2015.

Museveni kept his position as president. A very lucky man indeed. So did H.E Bobi Wine, beloved president of the Internal Republic of Kamwokya.

The Vice President is still, as expected, unknown. Unfortunately, the Editor didn’t care much to ask us to Google him. “I don’t think he’s known there either,” he said as he walked out for his nose-picking break.

And since the boss is out, who cares about these lists? Unless you have a relative in there or you just want to check whose bank account the next public funds will be sent to. Does anyone have the new episode of Empire? I’ve only watched like…oh, he’s back.

Father Lokodo is still State Minister For Sex. He was set to be moved to Internal Affairs before they realised ‘Internal’ means ‘in the country’, not ‘in the bedroom’.

Unfortunately, Maria Kiwanuka, founder and chairman of the phrase ‘Madam Supiika Sir’, is no longer Minister of Finance. The few who stayed awake during budget readings are now cursed into eternal slumber. During her tenure, Miss Kiwanuka saw a great many improvements especially in the way wigs are worn and the way the budget briefcase is carried like Denzel Washington walking away from an explosion. She is now in the more dormant role of Senior Presidential Adviser for Finance.

Remember Jim Muhwezi? Who was found mismanaging Global Fund money back in 2006? He’s back as Information Minister. Hashtag Schwarzenegger. His main role as Information Minister is to inform you that he didn’t eat the money and even if he did, and you do what?

Hajji Nasser English Ssebaggala maintains his position as Portfolio Without Minister and for that, he gets a lollipop.

Rape Minister Ronald Kibuule was transferred to the Ministry of Water. They say dehydration has an adverse impact on mental function.

A few other notable people were also maintained in their current positions. Janet Museveni is still a rich wife, Desire Luzinda is still a sex tape, Ragga Dee is still not wanted on radio and Erias Lukwago is still as if somehow maybe Lord Mayor. A bit.

That’s it for today. The rest you’ll know about in corruption scandals.