NTV Uganda broke a story involving police brutality. This in turn drained our phones’ batteries as people forwarded the clip over and over. It also created the impression that we were actually up to date with current affairs… but that’s not the story.

The police spokesperson reportedly said they would suspend the driver of the vehicle that ran over an opposition supporter. A section of the public got upset at how lenient this penalty was given that not only was a man’s life endangered, his pants were made dirty.

Not everyone was exhaling flames, however, as we found out when we interviewed this imaginary student.

ULK:                 How old are you?

Student:          Come on, man. Haven’t you heard about mature entry?

ULK:                 I always assumed it was an outdated reference to consensual intercourse. Let’s proceed.

Student:          What the ****! Man! I’m sorry, I cannot tell you how excited I am, fam! A suspe for cruising over a guy. Too baed!

ULK:                 Evidently English is not your strong point, are we to assume you feel for the victim?

Student:          Man, I’m G, you get? As in, this guy’s loss is my meat, those things.

ULK:                 I’m not familiar with the expression.

Student:          You’re pashing on jobo, you guy. Those things of one man’s meat is another man’s gain. So, by acting as a rump for the police, I am also benefitting mob!

ULK:                 How does that work out?

Student:          Spot! I’m not studying law or those things of courtroom drama, but from Suits, I know they can’t give a young one and an adult the same punishment.

*editor’s note; Suits doesn’t say shit about that. It actually encourages people to cheat in their exams and use the expression “gaddam”.

Student:          That means they can no longer cane us brown envelopes as punishments. So if I chop morning prep, guess what?

ULK:                 No suspension

Student:          Exactly. Imagine I went back to my zeeyi’s and told them I had been suspended. Do you know what they would do?

ULK:                 Judging by your demeanour, your father would regret ignoring his conscience the night it told him, “Pull out”.

Student:          You guy, you have mob frass! Be easy. Chill that shizzy. My zeeyi would lash me kiboks thinking I had run over a student with a police truck. Then he would lash me for stealing a police truck.

ULK:                 Shit. There’s some sense dancing around in there.

Student:          As if sosh? It’s like the sense is trying to dance squeeze with those words and is afraid of rubbing its body against the supple curves of the letters?

ULK:                 Dafaque?

Student:          Anyway, my point is, I can chop morning preps, skive classes, escape from school, hug visitors from other schools…

ULK:                 Excuse me?

Student:          As in feel their bodies against mine…while I hold them tightly to make sure they don’t bolt, what… and I can even touch student teachers’ bums.

ULK:                 Without being suspended?

Student:          That would depend on the student teacher’s weight and size. . . and willingness to be suspended. These teachers can be very difficult. Shocking as it is, many are really willing to spare the rod.

ULK:                 Tell me, how do you expect to make it in the world. You won’t get by with what knowledge you have clearly failed to accumulate.

Student:          Easy, I’ll sketch a government bail out.