Dear Mister President, please give me some of that fire money. Those people you gave money are not the only victims. I’ve also had several encounters with fire.

When I was 3 years old, I burnt my left foot while playing with a candle. That’s why I don’t look very happy in this picture.

But it was my father’s fault. He warned me against playing with candles instead of warning the candles themselves. For that, I’ll need 5 million.

Then just yesterday, I ate food that wasn’t well cooked. They said the fire was not enough cos I had ordered late. If I wasn’t so kind, I would have exchanged very bad words with that fire. But I’m humble, so I’ll just settle for another 5 million.

Then this is my goat Christmas Lukwago.

‘Lukwago’ after the Lord Goat of Kampala City and ‘Christmas’ because we plan to eat it on Christmas. It got burnt when it tripped on a hot frying pan as the neighbour chased it out of his compound because, apparently, it was eating his grass.

If he didn’t want his grass eaten, then why the hell did he have it? I would have asked for 5 million but what will a goat use 5 million for? Give it 10 million.
So in total, that brings us to about 23 million shillings with taxes. But just add another 5 million because my relatives will think I’m mean if I don’t share and I also have to take out my friends to celebrate.

Now, should I wait for my sack of money or will you appoint me minister so that I steal it for myself?