Lil’ Sleek was the schweetest child ever. Toothy grin, starry eyes, small tuft of hair, just the right amount of kid potbelly…just too schweet. Left to his own devices, schweet Lil’ Sleek would spend his days encouraging insects to make out…in his young mind, insects never really got the urge to ‘get boogy’ on their own, and even at that age he knew that w’out ‘the boogy’, the continuity of species was at stake.

So there was this girl…(ah yes, what’s a great non-gay tale without a girl. Let’s dive straight into describing her. Come, come, let’s go).

Yes, there was this girl, smile like the sun on 10 cups of coffee, bosom like a Pam job done perfectly, legs long, like they won’t let you think of anything else, hair like those smily girls in those Shampoo adverts. This girl, she was the ish and a bag of chips. Three bags of chips. Three bags of chips and enyongeza. Now with such tales, there’s always another guy. A hater. A being whose only goal in life is to frustrate the young man the tale began with (the young man in this tale is Lil Sleek. Just so matters do not get confused).

Now Lil Sleek and that nigger out to make this tale interesting by making lil-sleek’s life-hard, let’s call him Mulemesi, both of these young urchins liked the girl we described above. So while Lil Sleek would write her poems:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Envy is green,

You, my pretty, you aren’t mean,

You remind me of candy,

Ai bambi,

You and I, we should get together,

And hold hands, fo’eva

And the girl with a smile like the sun on ten cups of coffee, she’d break into that smile and the people around her would suffer. Some would break into a sweat.

Mulemesi on the other hand, chose something inspired by the movies he’d been exposed to. He went through mum’s garden and pulled out some prickly flowers and took to her. She smiled even more.

Round one: Mulemesi

Lil’ Sleek had dreams of being a travelling country musician. So he figured, what better way to bring the dream to life than by singing to her. He went outside her window and sampled something for her, complete with beat-boxing to fill in those useless parts in songs where there’s no singing.

Mulemesi chose a more direct approach. He stole a doll from his neighbor and took it to her. She grinned. But she didn’t grin when the law caught up with her.

Round two: Lil’ Sleek.