There are only two ways to have sex; the right way and the wrong way. Sex the right way means you get in and come out HIV negative and sex the wrong way means you come out HIV positive.

And judging by a recently released report about the increasing HIV prevalence rate in Uganda, many people are having sex in all the wrong ways.

So we compiled ten solid tips on how to have statistically correct sex.

1. First, and this is the most critical, always look left and right before cros…no, sorry, someone left a traffic guidebook on my desk. Hold on.

Okay, here goes.

1. First, sleep with someone approved by an expert or certified body. Walk with said person in public for a week or two and ask friends, family and random people if you should really sleep with the person in question.

2. Do not ask anything with alcoholic content for an opinion.

3. Do not involve the Ministry of Disaster Preparedness. It’s just a bunch of people paid to tweet about disasters that have happened in the country. How do you think we knew about the Bobi-Bebe battle of vhampions? (Auto-correct let this one slip).

4. They are not in office half the time anyway. And in the other half, you won’t know if this paragraph is talking about the disastrous preparation guys or Bobi and Bebe.

5. Use a condom. No, not to ask questions.

6. Roll it on like they do in the Bible. Don’t rush it. Do it with the agility of a government body trying to make a development; very slowly. But not so slowly that you’ll grow fat while at it.

7. Ask the person you want to have sex with if they have AIDS. If they say they no, they are lying. Don’t trust a liar. Run. If they say yes, they are telling the truth. Don’t trust an honest person. They are hiding something. Run.

8. Do it from a safe distance.

9 You don’t have to have sex all the time. Sometimes you need to lay back, relax and let the sex have itself.

10. Just don’t get AIDS. It’s not good for you.