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Of Restaurants: Spur Steak Ranches

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Spur Steak Ranches

First of all, they are outside countries’ people. And you said something akin to outside countries’ people and things being responsible for the increased disappearance of money from our wallets. That is reason one. They are foreign. You need to motivate us to follow your example in using only locally made things. Like the soon-to-be-defunct-Ugandan-made-sugar. Tikwe?

When they had just opened shop in Uganda, which was around 2007, all was well. Like how in 1990, the country had better roads than it does now. The food was excellent. The waitresses and waiters were masters at treating the customers like royalty. Things were going bulungi. We loved them because they made us feel like we were experiencing a bit of movie-sm in our dusty city.

Men unlucky enough to be running after a campus girl at the time must have cursed the place. You asked the girl where she would like to have dinner, convinced she was still excited about Nandos’ free pizza Tuesday. She said Silver City. You panicked. But then, you asked. The sharp ones carried chips and liver to her room. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Silver City, however, started to kumanyiira us. Because we are hospitable people. Because we have maalo for new joints and restaurants and will frequent them just to walk away when another joint opened its doors. Ask Cheese bar. But we were nice to Silver City. We kept going back because this time, we were ready to commit.

It helped that they had the juiciest pork ribs this side of the Sahara. And we really haven’t tasted the ones on the other side of the Sahara. But wah…they did not treasure us. Us, the girls who had to put up with I know-I’m-boring-but-I-have-a-car-and-money-men just so we could escape another night of Wandegeya food.

And the poor men who spent money and fuel (in those days, it was cheap) to dine a ka girl who just side-hugged you and skipped off to her room. Kampala girls. Msssccchhheeewww.

But the excellent food made up for the lack of common interest dates. Then they decided that because they have been here for one term, they could become so Ug and start being bulala.

How do you serve a chicken breast between a stale Hotloaf bun and majestically term that a chicken burger? In these hard times where people give up lunch so they have taxi fare home, how do you charge UGX20,000 for a meal that consists of 12 fries (yes, I counted) and said horrible burger? What sort of idiot clears your plate away; intact with most of the meal and then asks if you enjoyed your meal?
The Silver City sort of idiot. Three times of bad service and horrible food isn’t a bad day. It’s a pattern. They go back; we use the space to grow sugar.

We Have Found Gaddafi

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Gaddaffi

Yesterday we set up a satellite feed in Libya. And now…

Drum roll

…we are proud to be the first to unleash Uncle Gaddy’s hideout….

But because we like you so much (more than we are supposed to actually. You should be worried), we are giving you another 50k ticket with this satellite image.

We need you to caption this pic the best way you can. The caption with the highest number of likes by 6pm today takes the fourth Maurice Kirya Live at Serena ticket. Go!

With 110 likes, Roland Niwagaba Muwado takes the ticket.

Mabira Forest Giveaway: The Forest Finally Speaks Out

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Mabira Forest

We’ve heard Sevo telling whoever is in charge of cutting things to cut down part of Mabira Forest. Then we’ve heard the opposition telling Sevo “You’re joking, boss! Not when we’re alive!”

Then we’ve heard Sevo barking back that kuja nini inaweza, Mabira is going to be cut down because as long as he is President and you’re not Amelia Kyambadde, you will listen to what he says.

This whole time the trees have been following events quietly. Until now.

On Friday we packed a few crates of mineral water (we didn’t want to hurt their feelings with sugarful drinks) and went there with Deejay Beekay to throw a farewell party and maybe talk to them for the last time. We interviewed Fred, the tree in charge of human relations.

How do I look?

ULK: Fred, I don’t want to sugarcoat things so I won’t even start by greeting you. Let’s cut straight to the chase.

Fred: You’re a good guy, Erique.

ULK: I know. You have electricity, right? Since you’re just here next to the dam.

Fred: Yeah, why?

ULK: So I assume you know that you are dominating the news in Kampala?

Fred: Most of us watch movies all day but yes, we know.

ULK: So why aren’t you guys doing anything? I know trees can fight. I’ve seen Harry Potter.

Fred: No, that was just in the movie. We…

ULK: But I saw it!

Fred: Yes, I know. Let’s talk about the issue at hand. I think this government is…

ULK: Are you going to fight or not? Can’t you at least walk to work?

Fred: But this is our workplace.

ULK: Then walk away from work.

Fred: But that’s Besigye’s job.

ULK: Besigye is not a tree. He’s an opposition. And the only government tree that could have helped you was uprooted and replaced by a speaker. A speaker! It’s not even a Sony. It’s a Ssekandi.

Fred: So what do you advise?

ULK: Stop creating rain, stop giving us food, stop helping with our ozone layer and let the sun burn us, remove the environment from your Facebook friends and stop giving us oxygen.

Fred: You realize you will all die.

ULK: As long as you give us a few trees to go with at ULK offices and then you kill the rest of the country. How can they cut you down for sugarcanes like they can’t grow anywhere else? What has the Sugarcane government said about this?

Fred: Nothing! The human government even gave them kettles and milk so whenever we go there for peace talks they just offer our representatives tea with so much sugar and tell them to chill out.

ULK: Which sugarcanes did you talk to?

Fred: The ones in Lugazi.

ULK: Have you tried the Kakira ones?

Fred: No. Most of our representatives refused to go there because they thought those ones had jiggers.

ULK: Eh! So what are you going to do now?

Fred: We are all changing to NRM. There’s nothing else to do.

ULK: Smart move!

Fred: We’re sorry, Uncle Besi. Don’t take this personally. It’s just our survival instinct taking over. We’ll come back and support our real parties when this is over.

 

Olara Otunnu Vs Akena Fight Club

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Classified News

Last week we were having our weekly meeting at a secret shooting range in a secret place in a certain part of the country when news hit us that Lira Municipality MP Jimmy Akena and the President…

…of the Uganda People’s Congress Olara Otunnu were fighting. The messenger, still out of breath, had run all the way to bear the news.

“…as I speak right now,(pant  pant), they are both on the floor, (pant) clawing at each other’s hair and screaming ‘your mama’ insults at the top of their voices…”

Any news on why they are fighting?

“(pant)…they say Akena’s he-goat walked to Otunnu’s compound and banged his goats. ”

I didn’t believe the messenger. We didn’t shoot him though. I sent word to Badru, a trusted source who picks up all manner of classified information even before the secretary who stamps documents with that ‘classified’ stamp has done it.

Badru already had the scoop. The fight is all because of a Miss Uganda contestant.

Both Akena and Otunnu’s  Google search for ‘best woman to wear red and be UPC member’s chickidee’ pointed them to the same Miss Uganda contestant. Akena was the first to meet her.

Take one: Jimmy Akena inna di wheels

Jimmy: I n I belief dat u n I should be joined, na care wha dem bloodclat dem wan say

Miss Uganda contestant: eh eh, but Jimmy (playfully punches his shoulder)…you are so gyangstar even you…hihihi

Jimmy: (pointing at the area generally below his belt)  I’d like you to jimmy my Akena. To okot my p’Bitek. To barack my Obama

MUC: hihihihi…you are making me shy.

Take Two: Olara Otunnu steps up

“…then I screamed huuuyaaa, like Bruce Lee and I gave him a numb chop…”

Otunnu:  Have you heard of ‘The sword in the stone’ story? Only the true king could withdraw a certain sword from a certain stone…you know it?

MUC: yes yes, I heard of it when me I was small like a child

Otunnu: Well, there’s something between my teeth that only the true miss Uganda can remove. Lean in and try your luck

MUC: (eyes brighten, everything fades to black, all she sees is the crown and one man standing in her way….she takes a deep breath and goes for gold)

Naturally word got round to each of them that the other guy was stirring his tea with the same teaspoon. That they were using the same kilo of sugar. That they were wearing the same Donald duck underwear. That’s why they were fighting at the press briefing.

Time to End the Tragedy in Somalia – Museveni

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President Yoweri Museveni has called upon the international community to take decisive action to end the Somalia tragedy in the Great Horn of Africa, adding that Somalia is now a threat to the economies of Eastern Africa and the world. The President made the impassioned call in his remembrance statement on the eve of the July 11 al-Shabab twin bombings in Kampala that left 76 people dead and hundreds of others injured. “As we remember our citizens who lost their lives at the hands of terrorist bombs planted in Kampala, on 11th July, 2011, I send my deepest condolences to their families.

I want their families to know that we will never forget this tragic day. We will always mourn for the youth and vigour destroyed by senseless terrorists,” he said, adding, “At the same time, I want to appeal to our Somali brothers and sisters to help us so that we help them. We do not have any other interest in Somalia except ideological reasons of Pan-Africanism. We want Africa to be free of all foreign interference; including by these idiots called extremists. Those who died here in Kampala, where there was no war frontline, paid the ultimate price for our country’s commitment to Pan-Africanism.

I salute each and every one of them”. The President said the situation in Somalia has now evolved into a real problem for the whole Eastern Africa and even the world. “Somalia is the exporter of terrorism in the whole area. The pirates have made shipping to this region very expensive since ships must make huge diversions in vain attempts to avoid the pirates. Therefore, Somalia is now a threat to the economies of Eastern Africa,” he said.

Regarding the current situation of the African Peacekeeping Mission in Somalia, (AMISOM), the President said the operations of AMISOM are going on well although there is need for international support to AMISOM in the area of air and maritime operations capabilities, especially helicopters for transport and for combat operations. “I do not believe in conserving problems. This Somali problem appears to be a conservation project because of the one dimensional involvement: just involvement by the land forces. Why can we not increase the dimension? Why don’t we use the air? What is the air for? Such a serious problem and we just go on playing with it? On 11th July, the Al- shabab came and killed 76 of our people here, who were watching football. They planted bombs. They have been trying to plant bombs all over the place in East Africa.

So why does the international community preserve this? We are ready to solve this problem decisively,” he said. Ugandans tomorrow July 11, will mark the first anniversary of the al-shabab twin bombings in Kampala.

Museveni Calls to Fight Malaria

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President Yoweri Museveni has reiterated his call for researchers to work on a scientific method to destroy mosquito larvae as one of the best methods to eliminate mosquitoes including using bacteria and herbs. “The solution to kill the mosquito is to destroy it at larvae stage,” he said during a dinner hosted by the Chairperson of the African Leaders Malaria Alliance (ALMA) President Jakaya Mrisho Kikwete of the United Republic of Tanzania at the African Union Village in Sipopo, Equatorial Guinea.

ALMA is an alliance of African Heads of State working to end malaria-related deaths. It was founded by the leaders to utilize their individual and collective power to keep malaria high on the political and policy agenda at the global, national and local levels President Kikwete hosted the luncheon at the sidelines of the 17th, Ordinary Summit of the assembly of the Africa Union taking place in the capital Malabo on Bioko Island during which a report on the achievements and challenges of the ALMA scorecard was presented to the heads of state showing significant progress towards the achievement of the universal coverage of key malaria interventions but calling for further strengthening of funding for the alliance to ensure that these impressive signs are sustained and universal coverage is reached.

Uganda is already working on a biological method to kill mosquito larvae and is also experimenting with scientifically tested local herbs to kill the mosquito. President Yoweri Museveni is one of the four African leaders who received awards for their exemplary leadership in accelerating and sustaining access to malaria control and treatment commodities at a high level meeting of ALMA in Addis Ababa this year.

Recipients of the awards are leaders that have banned the importation and use of oral artemisinin-based monotherapies which cause drug resistance that weakens the effectiveness of the recommended malaria treatments. Additionally, they have also removed tariffs on essential commodities used in the fight against malaria. Other countries included Guinea, Kenya, Uganda and Tanzania.

A Message From The President | Part II

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Letter from the President

The Nation Media Group called me again this morning and told me they had re-appointed me president of Uganda and that I was needed on NTV for another interview. I called my bodyguards but they told me they were still beating up some people who had refused to raise the price of sugar as if they didn’t know that it’s the only way I was going to be able to afford a third fighter jet and get more money to give Rwanda.

I called my usual presidential boda boda and we left for Serena. At the gate, the policeman looked at me with a gun-searching squint, then at my boda guy, then back at me and decided we didn’t look like we had guns before he let us in.

From the studio that was about 2kms away from the gate, we were greeted by Agnes Nandutu’s signature scream. “President Mununuziiiiiii! Good morniiiiiiiiiing!”

I was ushered into studio by Maurice Mugisha who told me there was no tea for me this time because they had no sugar and power.

“Do you support opposition?” I asked him.

“No, Mister President.”

“Then why do you have no electricity?”

“Those are some of things we called you here to answer, President Mununuzi.”

“Okay start asking. But I told you to always call me President M and stop using quotation marks. Unless you want me to raise their prices also.”

Maurice: My apologies, President M. The first question is about the ridiculous prices of essential commodities in the country. Why is there a continued rise in prices of things like sugar?

President M: Opposition!

Maurice: Sorry?

President M: It is those people of opposition who obstructed my government from destroying Mabira forest so that we plant there sugar. Now we don’t have enough sugar as if that stupid forest is going to do anything for us. Have you ever tried to put a forest in your tea?

Maurice: But you say it’s not enough yet we keep exporting. Last week you said we should not allow any more exportation yet this week your Minister of Trade and Industry says you were misrepresenting yourself. What’s with that?

President M: Opposition!

Maurice: And how exactly is the opposition involved in the exportation of sugar and the contradiction between you and your minister?

President M: By obstructing me from destroying Mabira forest. What did I just say?

Maurice: How about fuel? How come you’ve refused to cut taxes on fuel?

President M: Opposition!

Maurice: But really, how is the opposition connected to that now?

President M: That Mabira thing is more complex than you think.

Maurice: It is reported that the country is running low on cash because the government spends more than it earns. Is that true?

President M: Opposition!

Maurice: What, Mabira again?

President M: No, walk to work. When tourists from outside countries saw people in Uganda walking to work, they refused to come to Uganda to give us some of their money because they thought we didn’t have cars. So we lost that money. And tourists give us a lot of money, my friend. Ask anyone.

Maurice: And how about load shedding. I thought the government said they had paid the electricity generation companies that were on strike. Why then do we still have load shedding?

President M: Now for that one I won’t blame opposition…

Maurice: Finally!

President M: …I will blame Besigye and his people.

Maurice: But Mister President, Besigye and his people are the opposition. Are you telling me that the government is not taking any responsibility for what’s happening in Uganda?

President M: Of course we are responsible for the good things.

Maurice: What good things?

President M: Sshh! Don’t tell anyone but I told them to make you a minister.

Museveni Gives Sh700m To Rwanda To Help Teachers In Uganda

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The president of Uganda has donated $300,000 (over 700 million shillings) to a primary school in Rwanda in order to address problems of the striking teachers in Uganda.

The donation was made to Nalukunga primary school, situated in the suburbs of Kigali, to aid the construction of a new building that will somehow, in some sort of magical or spiritual way, depending on the way you were brought up or from which angle you look at things, help teachers in Uganda lead better lives.

“I have been telling you people that the country does not have the money to pay teachers because I wanted to keep it as a surprise, so surpriiiiiise!!!!” the president revealed. “This building will most definitely pay all their salaries and even restore our economy to the way it was. These things are divine so you may not understand them if you don’t have faith.”

He added that in his heart he had always known that constructing a building in Rwanda would somehow help the economy of Uganda and thanked himself for believing in his instinct. “Besides, the school has a name that sounds like Nalukenge. You know her? Sharon O.”

The president also promised to help victims of the Owino fire by sending money to a certain secondary school in Hong Kong.

 

Tales Of The Fund | Part Three

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NSSF Uganda

This exciting, exhilarating, action-packed league of tales is brought to you by…

Sneak through this window for Part Two: SNEAK.

Previously on Tales Of The Fund.

A woman died.

Her kids inherit a crazy dime.

A lawyer with the moral compass of a moth appears on the scene.

She gives birth to twins; Simon & Kato.

The aforementioned events did not occur in the laid out order… this is not that kind of story…

Leading to now;

One day, (one night, in Simon’s case due to different time zones), the twins receive a phone call. They pick up.

“Hullo”, crackles the voice on the other end.

“It’s mothball lawyer…

And now Part Three…

“That’s impossible!”, Simon exclaims, looking at his phone in disbelief. He looks around to make sure that no one has picked up on this, failing to see a writer crouched in the corner, documenting this tale.

Kato, always the level headed one intervenes, “Simon, first of all, warrup. Secondly, it’s really him, his name flashed on my phone’s screen before we both answered..”

“It’s not that, meanwhile hi… but what network is he using that lets him holla at us at the same exact moment. That’s just…you know, as if, but not quite”

The mothball lawyer running out of time, and we are not limiting ourselves to the figurative expression, but also his credit, steps in, “boys! This is about that money I mentioned about two weeks ago. Back then you’d asked where it had come from…”

Simon pips up, “From mum. Some website that seems to have all the answers revealed that. So when do we get that cheddar?”

The mothball lawyer starts to shake his head in exasperation, then, remembering that no one can see him continues, “the purpose of this call is to inform you that your mum left some terms and conditions… you see, she wanted the best for the two of you, but she wanted you guys to be responsible grown ups. I’d like to say that I’ve spent all this time trying to investigate you guys, but honestly, I couldn’t be arsed…”

Your mother stipulated that you would have to take over a little outfit she set up and if after a stipulated amount of time, if you’ve successfully transformed it into a straight-laced no nonsense company, you’d come into your inheritance…”

This time it was Kato that excitedly chipped in, “In not so many words, you’re asking us to work for our money… like people do…in..real..life?”

Simon wasn’t having any of that, “Listen, isn’t there a stash somewhere that we can just take money from and move on…”

True to character, the mothball lawyer offers a solution, “Well, the workers do save their money with NSSF, so if we told them that we have a new fund…”

Simon, not really in touch with these things of here prods, “People save with someone other than themselves?”

“Bafunira wa?”

Kato stares at his phone as though it’s its fault that he shares the same genetic structure with the voice on the other side, “There are loads of benefits. In fact in loads of cases it makes a lot of sense. . .”

Simon cuts his brother short and in essence offers you the chance to win airtime…

*** *** ***

Why would you save with NSSF? Tell us & win 20k airtime. And don’t bore your friends, relatives and general comrades or they won’t like your answer. The answer with the most likes by 4pm Friday gets the airtime. Goodness! Who gives out things this easily?

Everybody Is Addicted To Eating

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And this addiction is extreme. You may suffer violent withdrawal symptoms if you go for a few days without your more conventional addiction, for example to Luga Flow, but such symptoms are often temporary and easily cured, for example by listening to Agnes Nandutu instead.

However, it is different when it comes to the eating addiction. For not only is there no substitute therapy for when food deficiency strikes, but unless you believe in the second coming, the withdrawal symptoms involved with food deficiency are, to the best of my knowledge, quite permanent. And like all addictions, the eating addiction has got very unfortunate consequences.

Just like addiction to weed makes musicians do things like buy horses they have absolutely no idea how to ride, eating makes everyone, even the cute Nyaru babe you’ve had your eye on that looks like Racheal K’s cute twin, do things like going to the toilet.

The more you eat, the more frequent the trips to the toilet, or the heavier the load of shit you’ll produce if your trips are limited. And nowhere is this truth more pronounced than in the general vicinity of a polishitian.

To illustrate this, let us pick a polishitian at random: Jacob Oulanyah. (Ok, that wasn’t random.)

Jacob Oulanyah

Dude is an MP, which is the equivalent of three square meals every day for the next five years. He is also an NRM MP, which throws in an additional plate to his table. Finally, the fact that he is Deputy Speaker of Parliament rounds off the number of plates he is entitled to to a solid 5.

However, there is a catch. So long as he enjoys the trappings being Deputy Speaker accords him, the plate thrown his way with regards from the NRM secretariat should by law be ignored at all times.

Somebody however forgot to explain this complicated legal equivalent of Quantum Physics to Hon. Oulanyah, and over the weekend, dude merrily skipped off to Rwakitura, where the NRM plate awaited its loyal members.

When he came back to Kampala, somebody finally broke down the legal equivalent of Quantum Physics into elementary arithmetic terms which Hon. Oulanyah was able to understand. Unfortunately, this someone who did the explaining was Hon. Nandala Mafabi, and obviously, he wasn’t doing it out of the kindness of his heart.

Caught by his curlies, Hon. Oulanyah went on the defensive. “Me I wasn’t there to eat from the NRM plate.” He protested, tormented by the very real prospect of losing his hard-earned plate. “I was only there to see how the Banyankole grow maize and raise cows.”

Which only proves he ate from that plate, for otherwise he wouldn’t have produced such a huge load of shit.

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