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Of Dreams That Broke Up With Me

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0

My life revolves around dreams. Like I dreamt of growing up to be a boy and I was born one, amen? Unfortunately that’s the only one that has come true.

Like in my P7 vacation, I wanted to be a dentist, thanks to Bosco, my much-hated friend. Long story short, there was this girl.

Bosco and I hated each other but couldn’t engage in verbal and physical fights because most times we met, there was a whip-savvy adult around. So we just decided to read hard and become something we could each use to hurt the other. I thought cutting his teeth in half would make him be bad kisser and I’d win the girl.

When, a year later, the girl came back married and pregnant, we became friends and decided she was a whore. Even if she was 12 years older than our 13-year-old arses. I dropped the dream.

Then I wanted to be a TV Presenter. But that was around the same time Straka came inside our TVs and covered everything else including the cameras filming her that there was just no room for any more presenters.

To get the job, you had to edit your CV from “I want to be a presenter” to “I want to be a Straka”. And already there was a sufficient supply of Straka for every Ugandan family with a TV set.

So I either had to wait for more families to buy more TV sets to create the need for another Straka or just change dreams.

I dropped that too.

Then I wanted to be a bra. Again, there was this girl. But when I saw her with different tribes of bras, I knew that if I became one, she’d never stop cheating on me. So I dumped that one also. The dream.

Then I wanted to be a teacher. This one came from a former student of my auntie’s who remarked, “Eh! Mununuzi’s auntie! You’re still alive? But teachers you don’t die!” Yes, he had a lot to learn about compliments but at least he gave my 9-year-old mind a dream. I thought that immortality was one of the perks that came with teaching. Gradually, I realized that the teachers in Uganda actually preferred to die so I X-d it.

Then I wanted to be a…oh. Okay. Let me tell them.

Sorry but the rules dictate that I stop here. Any added words will be deemed harmful to the public, shipped to America, stripped naked and disposed of at Young Money studios to work extra hours as Little Wayne Sibyangu’s lyrics.

To Fedex:

Please ship words above.

Love,

Editor

ULK

Oh, by the way:

Kenya, we met and decided that since you have been very good neighbours, you deserve to choose by how many goals you want to lose. Please let us know whenever you’re ready. We’re not excited about this either.

Reopening Makerere: Change Gon Come

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0
Makerere University

Makerere University, the internationally acclaimed centre of learning excellence that has tragically been beset lately by scandal and strife, is now set to reopen. Such great news, especially for the housegirls at home who are tired of cleaning vomit out of bathrooms and sick of washing drawers with skidmarks.

Skidmarks and puke are typical end results of a night out for a Makerere University student.

At least they were when I was on campus in the 50s. Things may have changed lately, what with this era of ipads and Orange.

The government, under Education Minister Kahiinda Otafiire, have warned that there are going to be some changes in the way things are run. The news article did not elaborate on what these changes were, or maybe did, but only after my attention had wandered off, so we can only speculate, and hope, that the following urgently needed alterations are made to the way things are done up in MUK.

Free Stable Wifi For All. And it should come with compulsory autocorrect. It’s one thing to do this on facebook and in our ULK comments section, but corporate Uganda and its iron-knickered Human Resource personnel have had it up to here with application letters written in krglf language. That I Hear:

Hi Am JOSE am lukng 4 a job az a prufridder or evn a rytr en ur kampani I kan stat eni de. LilWeezi yng mani 4 lyf!

That has to stop.
But more problematic is of course the Dear John letters hot young Makerere chicks are sending to our middle-aged fathers and elderly uncles. First of all, get off the sexual network, you harlots. Secondly, they don’t understand that they have been dumped when they receive emails saying “Itz ova.” They think that means you want to travel to Kigali for the weekend.

Stripper Poles: Makerere University and its satellite hostels need to come into the modern age in terms of furnishing residential halls. Some hostels have set the pace and they come with all the amenities and facilities that can be expected of a young budding intellectual’s place of abode, but too many are lagging behind. Please, architects, install these poles in the rooms.

Safe hygienic supply of clean water: The university located perilously close to the Odluvai Gorge, that is the actual evolutionary souce of all cholera (Makerere College School) and this leads many MUK students to be wary of touching water. However, we, the general public, the people who have to smell them, would often rather have an entire intellectual generation die of cholera than sit through another taxi ride with another stinking dude.

Now, me I’ve finished. As We Build For The Future, Makerere Oye.

The Mother News Summary Of All Other Fake News Summaries

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0
Muhoozi Kainerugaba

And now a summary of what’s happening in the news:

President’s son Muhoozi promoted to Colonel

Muhoozi: “I often wonder what people mean when they say I am being groomed for presidency.”

Behind the scenes: “Who the hell keeps snitching? I need to pounce it on them as a surprise.”

Mehta officials tour Buganda land

Mabira Saga

Buganda: “We want to assure the Mehta Group that we are serious about this offer, and that these properties are available for their use.”

Behind the scenes: “Coz I swear we’re tired of putting sweet potatoes in the Kabaka’s tea.”

 

Ex-VP Bukenya says he is not retiring from politics

Gilbert Bukenya

Bukenya: “I spent a whole six years without coming to Parliament when I was Vice President. Now I am in Parliament and I must do the work of Parliament.”

Behind the scenes: “ Yellow Bossman gave them 500k each just for attending a meeting and they want to eat it on me? Where?”

KCCA officials sigh as govt okays salaries, pays arrears

Lord Mayor Lukwago

Lukwago: “I am comfortable with any salary they will offer me so long as it can sustain me to effectively serve my electorate.”

Behind the scenes: “And serving the electorate requires money like for Jennifer. So stop playing with my feelings like that. Give me money.”

Former LRA commander Kwoyelo free

Brigadier Kwoyelo

Constitutional court: “He is entitled to a declaration that their acts are inconsistent with Article 21(1) (2) of the Constitution and thus null and void. We so find.”

Behind the scenes:

“Gwe! Psst! You! My lawyer! Do they speak English here?”

“Yes, that was English and it means you’re free.”

“Oh. I thought they were making a big deal out of me cutting off a few tongues here and there.”

The Man-U Dilemma: Why They Keep Beating Their Friends Like That

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0
Man U Dillema

The following is an expert analysis of the Man-U vs Chelsea match from a leading international soccer critic who has reviewed thousands of matches in his mind. So he’s legit by all standards.

So another big league team lost to Man-U last night. Shame.

I can understand Arsenal’s loss because when they started that match, they weren’t overtly specific about their intentions. So right from the match’s start, we didn’t know for sure if they had come to win or lose. We didn’t even know if they had come to play. They just came in and started kicking the ball.

But Chelsea had come with clear intentions to beat Man-U. I saw it in their eyes.

It was quite stupid because they went into that match knowing so well how Man-U’s selfish players prefer kicking balls into other people’s goal posts instead of theirs. That’s not the kind of team you want to play against and that should have been the first sign to keep Chelsea or Arsenal away from anything to do with Man-U.

They have their own coach, their own stadium, their own supporters and their own goal posts. It’s why I just can’t seem to figure out what took them to Man-U. Are they that greedy that they want to just share other people’s things?

I saw that match starting and from the look of things, Man-U had really done nothing to Chelsea. But there’s a weird way the Chelsea players kept insisting on kicking a ball that had essentially done nothing to them into Man-U’s territory. So in defense, Man-U kicked the ball back over and over and over. But every time they did, Chelsea kicked it back. It’s like they had some inexplicable grudge against Man-U. I strongly believe Man-U won that match in self-defense.

If the Chelsea players were serious about beating Man-U, first, they shouldn’t have entered the pitch with names like Bosingwa, Mata, Lukaku and Meireles. They should have left those names in the locker room or with the coach before the match started. Such names, if not carefully concealed, always get you beaten.

Secondly, I think the referee was biased. A good referee would at least pull the Chelsea players aside and ask them if everything was okay at home. But the guy clearly didn’t care. You can’t say Man-U won the match just because they had more goals. That was very unprofessional.

And you can’t keep blowing the whistle every time the ball flies off the pitch. It could have seen the loss coming and wanted to stay out of the game.

You know what I think? I think that Man-U players are frustrated because they don’t have real jobs. And you should never try to compete with a frustrated man. He has nothing to lose. He’ll just keep kicking the ball into your goal post with no remorse, whatsoever. So the best thing to do here is for all the loser teams to get together, collect some money here and there and try to find the Man-U players some jobs for basic survival. New Vision and Monitor normally have job pullouts. Start with those.

Museveni Threatens To Resign If Lord Mayor Doesn’t Stop Threatening To Resign

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0
Lord Mayor Elias Lukwago

President Museveni has also threatened to leave power citing unfairness in the way his subordinates in almost every government sector are habitually threatening to resign.
This follows recent resignation threats by Kampala City Lord Mayor Erias Elyas Dee Lukwago over KCCA’s failure to recognize his existence. The mayor revealed that whenever he speaks up no one listens, then when he shuts up, still no one listens.

“But I swear no! Kyaba too much! Me am tired!” he told the Special Council Committee of the city authority yesterday. “I wanted to talk something about the vendors you chased, but you jam to listen. Now am trying to talk something about the toilet, you’re still jamming. There’s no toilet paper. Don’t ignore me or I’ll resign! And then you won’t have someone to refuse to listen to.”

The Special Council Committee then pretended to be shocked and reported to the KCCA head who reported to the Resident City Commissioner who reported to the Kampala Minister who reported to President Museveni who ran to Amelia Kyambadde for a crying shoulder.
Museveni then called a press conference where he said he would resign immediately if Lord Mayor Lukwagmire continued with his irresponsible threats. “You think I’m bluffing? Let him do it and see. Then you’ll all miss me.”

 

Its The Showbiz News for You Alone

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0
Showbiz News

And it’s time for international showbiz news by our international correspondent who is actually me, Baz, writing under another name. Hey y’all, it’s me, international correspondent Lying Seacrest with the showbiz news.

Our host

  • Jamaican rapper Sean Kingston, who according to actual true reality is from Florida and can’t rap, is gearing up to rock the faces off millions of Ugandan fans this month if millions of Ugandan fans can afford the tickets. If not, he will sing for as many of y’all as he can. Speaking to me through a publicist via an interview he gave to another news organization, Sean, actual names Kisean Anderson Mugimu, said he was looking forward to comin’ back to Uganda, the land his father emigrated from before he flew to the US, made his mother pregnant and then disappeared.

He’s coming to kick my ass for saying he can’t rap

  • Upon hearing the news that Sean Kingston is actually the son of a deadbeat Ugandan dad, dozens of shifty conmen are currently in early stages of preperations to bumrush the poor singer at the airport claiming to be his cousins in the hopes that they will benefit financially from the singer’s great wealth. At least kko get free tickets.
  • This just in. Rapper Nikki Minaj has released an affidavit sworn before a magistrate in Los Angeles county claiming that she is not responsible in any way for Puff Daddy’s mysterious pregnancy. Puff Daddy, a pathetic excuse for a rapper, was recently put in the family way by an as-yet-unidentified rapist, who is still at large according to Gary Sinise as Detective Mac Taylor of CSI: NY.

This is her ‘Intellectual’ look

Minaj, speaking through a report published on another website, said the only woman she knows who is capable of making a man pregnant is Lady Gaga.

Gaga without make up and out of costume

  • Lady Gaga was unable to give a comment because she was out of the country. The freakishly odd Gaga is currently on vacation in the exotic foreign nation of Uganda which most Americans don’t believe actually exists. The State Department has launched an investigation to find out what this so-called Uganda is, saying they have only ever heard of it on an episode of I.M Weasel.
  • And finally, the greatest musician in the entire world, Bebe Cool MC, well, he hasn’t done anything new lately, but he is the most magnificently amazing human singer in history and his power as a singer is so massive that it causes large bits of the earth to rise upwards from sheer riddimforce and become mountains every time he says “pucho hens up”. Rwenzori mountain ranges were formed when he launched his debut hit, Mikono Juu in 54 BC, you know?

And yes, that’s what BC stands for.

Makerere University: The School Of Alcohol

By
Erique
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0
Makerere Uinversity

There’s a common saying in the Bible that goes, “Foolish is he who studies at Makerere”. If it’s not in your Bible, you should check the back part. It probably says “Made in China”. Mine was made by the government. Totally reliable.

In Makerere, every course carefully guides you to be a legitimate disappointment to your parents with a transcript to show for it. With the help of six select courses, let me show you how.

Bachelor of Mass Communication
A three-year course that teaches students to carry out extensive research and find out which bars are happening and at what prices they are selling their beers. The students then move hall to hall and hostel to hostel passing on the research findings to the masses.

Bachelor of Medicine
A five-year course that coaches students to administer first aid to fellow students who drink too much and become blind, start puking or lose their way to their places of residence. It also teaches students to wear white coats and look busy.

Bachelor of Law
Some students get too high and start fights, intentionally or unintentionally. MUK students of Law are, therefore, trained to arbitrate such fights and decide who should pay the bar owner for the broken tables and glasses.

Bachelor of Industrial and Fine Art
Students are tutored to use their visual insight to help their colleagues pick out the finely shaped girls in a bar. However, students who get high enough to successfully blur the line between attractive and ugly girls can do without this help.

Bachelor of Tourism
They are trained to tour bars. In fact, students of this course are useful in evaluating bars. If many tourism students tour a specific bar in high numbers, it’s ranked highly. And so a bar with fewer tourists is ranked poorly. It’s therefore safe to assume that Cheese bar and Al Zawadi closed because they were not efficiently supported by the MUK Faculty of Tourism.

Bachelor of Social Sciences
This one teaches students to apply the science of beer measurement to the successful degeneration of morals in society. It is through this course that students determine how much alcohol it takes to generate a certain amount of verbal ridicule. For example if a random student A has angered random student B, it is imperative that random student B enlists the help of a Social Sciences student to find out how many shots of Tequila are required to hurl the unkind word “koma***ko” at random student A.

But first wait!

“Then why was the university closed?” you must be wondering. Here is the real reason the newspapers, radios and TV stations won’t tell you. Come closer and I beat you a whisper:

Faculty operations could no longer be sustained because of the high beer prices. Students had to be sent home to lie to their parents and steal more money for more beers. Award winning raper Barya MC is also doing several gigs in Kampala clubs as a bargain for his students to be given discounts on the alcohol.

You heard it here first. Now go spread the word.

ULK. Your reliable source of totally unreliable information.

The Happy Side Of News

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0
Chameleon Converts to Islam

I’m listening to a David Guetta track but the female security guard at ULK keeps looking at me with molestful eyes like I dare you to look or say anything suspicious so that I put my filthy hands allover your legendary body.

She’s making it hard for me to scream “It’s the bomb!”

Anyway, that’s not what brought me here. I come with good news and bad news. Actually, I don’t. The line is just always fun to say. It makes me want to become a Good News And Bad News Option Deliverer when I grow up.

Okay, serious things now. What’s been happening in the news recently? Let’s see:

Chameleone had foreplay with another religion, and then refused to have sex with it. That’s just mean.

But you guys, the dude is called Chameleone. Don’t say he didn’t warn you.

Nsaba Buturo said Ugandans hate themselves. Me? I hate myself? I should tell my mum about this.

For quite some time now I have been debating on whether to diss this guy. But after reading the Monitor article he wrote, I saw a little bit of sense in it. Like 1% sense, which is quite a significant record coz he has never gone that high. Pun totally unintended.

So after much deliberation I decided to just diss him for his sake. Spare the diss, spoil the Buturo, right?

It’s like as the rest of the world fights to keep up with current times, the dude is just stuck in those days where people still used Windows 90 to think. Though I believe this one is still stuck as far back as Ventilators XP.

 

Rebels found an entire album of Condoleeza Rice’s photos in Gaddafi’s stash. Where are you, Gaddafi? Raise your hand. Gaddafi? Your hand.

Properly cooked Rice

But what the hell is this dude’s name? When you ask Google, he will tell you:

Yo. Brother, did you mean:

Gaddafi? Gadaffi? Kadhafi? Qaddafi? Gadhafi? Kadafi? Kaddafi? Qadhafi?  Gadafi? Qadafi? Kazzafi? Qathafi? Qathafi? Kadhafi? Qadhafi? Qadafi? Khaddafi? Ghaddafy? Ghadafi? Ghaddafi? Quathafi? Q’udafi? Gheddafi? Khadafy? Qudhafi? Qaddafi? What?

Museveni insists he will give out Mabira Forest. The only thing that can talk to this guy and he actually listens is his mouth.

Sevo: Mehta my love, take this great gift from your humble serv…

Mehta: No, it’s okay. Someone told me that sugar can grow somewhere else.

Sevo: But I want to give it to you.

Mehta: No, really. Keep it. I have no use for…

Sevo: Take it, you goddamn piece of pupu that is not yellow! You can sell it back to me after but take it! No one tells me what to do!

Mehta: Okay, man! Chill! Let’s talk.

Sevo: Good. Now if you don’t want it, give me other alternatives. You want another forest?

Mehta: Yes, Sevo.

Sevo: You want another forest?

Mehta: Yes, Sevo.

Makerere University lecturers were fired for wanting a salary increase and the students sent packing for wanting to study.

It’s like entering a restaurant, the waiter asks you for what you want, you tell him you want food and he goes, “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to leave, sir!”

Apparently, it’s unethical to teach or learn at MUK. I can hear the Steakout manager going, “Thank you! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell them all along. A focused university student will not allow books to get in the way of his future. Come to my bar, get high, then go out and be whoever you want to be or fight whoever you want to fight, whichever comes first.”

Kampala Mayor Erias 49 Cent Lukwago has told the government not to pay him 33million shilings nti it’s too much. I swear the day I…sigh.

Elyas, I respect and admire your noble deed. But just because that’s what my dear beloved readers expect of me. If they weren’t looking, I’d call you a nincompoop (With emphasis on the last four letters) and spread rumours that you just wanted Jennifer to say “Eeh maamaaaaa!” so that you get laid. Then I’d sneak into your office at night and put a hot nail in the middle of your chair.

But since my dear beloved readers are watching me closely, way to go, brave soldier. You’re the kind of people this city needs. Yay!

 

And Then God Said…

By
Erique
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0
And then God Said

Aw’olwaatuka.

It was a long, long afternoon in the heavens. Long and boring. You might think that watching humans massacre one another would cause the heavenly beings to be in a panicked state. But no. They have been audience to this stuff for millennia.

So, on this particular afternoon not so far back, God said to Gabriel, “Say, I am bored. Sleepy even.” And Gabriel said, “Same here, Almighty. The angels are out of fun things to do. The Arsenal joke kept us going for a while…but…”

And God said,

“Tihihihi…that was one crazy game.” And Gabriel said, “Poor Wenger. Michael and the rest have been re-acting the game all week. But that’s now old-ish news. Boredom looms. What to do, what to do? You know there’s an earthly petition to…ermm, bring Bieber here and return Biggie. In the mood for a miracle?“

And God said, “Nope. Biggie stays. Who’ll do the rap lines to the daily hymns?”

Gabriel: “Spot on Boss. (Heavenly high5)”
God:”I know what will kill the hours; CREATION. Let us CREATE.” And with Gabriel in tow, God said, ”Let there be kavuyo!”

And there was Uganda. Complete with potholes, body-part grabbing louts and nsenene.  Uganda also was gifted with never-satisfied-public funds-stealing leaders and daily-partying drunkards. Excessively hot girls who can’t for their lives, sustain an intelligent conversation were also thrown into the mix.

Allo. I am Bad Black and this is me making my debut appearance on ULK. I believe I am hot and can sustain an intelligent conversation. I also believe Uganda doesn’t have any potholes inside it.

Minute 2. God said;”Let there be idiocy” And there was Buturo. Laden with the largest amount of moronic grey matter, it shocked the creature’s eyes into defection mode. So God threw in a pair of made-for-idiots-only specs.

In the second and half minute (Yes, Buturo was made in half a minute. No serious planning there) God continues.

”Let there be brilliance.” And there was the entire Urban Legend team. Brilliant, gifted and disturbed. Gabriel couldn’t find the screw driver at that time so most of this team’s mental wires are loose. Daniel’s and Erique’s are entirely disconnected.

Next, God made plain dumbness. And then the Indian who, aside from tying on a foreign tribe and name, is now saying that he needs to be tried in Punjab because he can’t effectively communicate in English or Luganda.

Punjab, my Ugandan a@$

We shall resurrect Amin’s ghost on you, Katongole Pamanda.  Then we’ll see if you’ll keep nodding your head in disagreement. You even do our sign language backwards.

Noonya banno. In Punjab, sketch your friends.

One hot and long afternoon, God looked at everything He had made.

And God was confused.

We Love You, Arsenal

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0
Arsenal Manager

Arse, you took a heavy foot up your team. You wanted to lose by only 7 and a half goals but were disappointed by that extra goal. We feel your pain and share your blah blah yada yada and other good things that people say to the dead, even if they don’t really care.
Uncle Gaddy sends his love.

 

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