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Monday Massacres: The Things In Movies That Aren’t True

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Movie Things

This particular piece is for the younger readers. Dear fairly old reader, most of the stuff you’ll read here will seem slightly obvious. I’d recommend taking a cup of tea if I was sure you had sugar. But I’m not. So yes, back to you dear young reader; many times you find yourself tired of arguing with your friends  about how the ailing socio-economic situation cannot be alleviated by gross external funding. You argue for hours on end but finally agree to let the matter lie and you all head to the cinema to watch a movie. Movies are places to let your eyeballs experience all kinds of awesome things. Flying objects, broken hearts, speeding cars and busty damsels all make your eyeballs thank you, their owner, over and over again.  A word of caution young one; not all those things are true. I know, I know, hard pill to swallow. I’m here to let you know what isn’t true in those movies you watch.

Slow motion

There is no such thing as things slowing down enough for one to see a blow approach. In real life, real blows come at you very fast. One minute you are arguing, the next you are flat on the ground muttering some things about mars. No.Slow.Motion.

Not based on reality

Fights against many people are not always won by doing a single round kick

There’s always a scene in movies where the well-paid, well-known star is surrounded by a mob of angry people who all want to beat him/her up. He/she usually jumps and delivers a single round kick that fells all of them. There is no such thing in real life. In the real world, if you are surrounded by angry people, chances are you are going to be beaten-up and undressed. Or undressed and then beaten up.

Vampires and X-Men

These do not exist. Conductors with poor hygiene do. Thieving politicians do. Lady Gaga does. She does come close, but no, she isn’t an X-(wo)man. Vampires live forever. In the real world though, no one alive today was around when Shaka Zulu was going round impaling people.

Car chases

There’s always a fast-paced car chase in all movies worth putting on your eyeball schedule. For some reason, the speeding cars always go through markets and knock down stalls. In real life young friend, car chases end in mangled metal, broken limbs and death. When the police flags you down, do not say a bad word and speed off. Car chases are only rosy in the movies. Here, the first pothole will trap your vehicle.

Also, this is the last Massacre in this edition of ULK. Pre 4.11.11. In between the oil and black money, a lot has changed here at our headquarters. See you on Friday.

Movies In Seconds: The Lion King

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The Lion King

The Lion King is a Disney cartoon about the political struggles in African nations. It stars popular African actors in various roles. The cast includes: Isaac Kuddzu as Sober, Hellen Lukoma as Patra, Diana Kahunde… wait. I may have got my notes mixed up. Oh. Yes. There are NO Africans in the cast of Lion King.

One of the best things about this much-loved and highly-regarded film is its realism, the way the delicate balance of nature is portrayed, the relationships between the diverse elements of the ecosystem.

The Lion King is praised as a movie before its time; it was uncanny the way it predicted political events that were yet to happen in Africa

Leading Ugandan politicians had cameo appearances…

So, watch the movie, learn how to be a demonstrator, and we will see you when we Occupy Boda Boda on the 4th.

Notes from an Idle Mind; The one without Bad Black

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Words of an Idle Mind

Ideally I’d be doing notes from an idle mind… or notes from the corridors of power, but our editor insists that we cover Bad Black. Unfortunately, with two legends going after her, prison officials were cagey about allowing another English speaking visitor to, er, access her… I believe we were being accused of trying to ‘upgrade’ her. So, with no luck and without any Bad Black, I had to settle for the next available interviewee: Nandutu’s Thighs.

ULK: Can I just say, thanks for taking time out of your hectic schedule and putting in an appearance. You are probably the hardest working thighs in the business, so this, for us is an honour…I must say, though, you look bigger in person.

NT: We wouldn’t have missed this for anything in the world… perhaps the party on the 4th of November, but nothing else would have swayed us. And yes, you are not the first, possibly not the last to make that observation, but objects may be closer than they appear.

ULK: To be fair, no one has suggested that you lot are that close, but nonetheless, could you take us through your average day.

NT: Well, when we wake up we glance at each other to make sure that nothing untoward happened during the course of the night. You may take it for granted, but there’s something very unnerving about looking over and not seeing your familiar counterpart, but rather some other unfamiliar, can I say, structure, just being there…

ULK: I can’t say that I relate, but please go on.

NT: So anyway, after that we go through the rigors of the day, a shower, some oiling and we are good to go.

ULK: Don’t you dress up, you know, wear clothes?

NT: What are those?

ULK: Never mind. A certain publication recently had your owner say that you are her private parts, how do you feel about that?

NT: That’s a misrepresentation of the facts. You see, given that our owner possesses a more prominently public property, the rest don’t get our chance to shine. The voice gets all the glory, but the rest of us never get our chance to bask in the limelight. Sunlight, yes. Constantly, but no limelight for us.

ULK: We’ve heard that you’ve got numerous fans, how is this possible if you don’t do anything?

NT: We wouldn’t categorically say we do nothing, but you read the article nawe, you heard how we are restricted to just one fan.

ULK: I had wondered about that. I’m sure our readers would like to know, are you always this close?

NT: Of course not. That’s an unrealistic assumption. Which best friends have never parted ways? We have our differences, and to be fair there are times we rub each other the wrong way, but I think what matters in the end is that we get back together.

ULK: Alright, on to other things, how do you feel about Bad Black?

NT: We are not familiar with that drink…

ULK: It’s not a drink. It’s a type of celebrity. Popular known to frequent bars, but more recently known to be behind bars

NT: Is that the one with the name that sounds like a funny ringtone? Kengele or something? She must be the one. Well, we’ve heard that she hosts a night where people come and be naked. Plus, our eyes have it that she mistreats her thighs by constantly breaking them up using her hand as an accomplice. That’s messed up.

ULK: No, that’s hot. Anyway, is there anything else you want to tell us? Future plans, what what, those things, what?

NT: Well, we are looking forward to experiencing these ‘clothes’ things you mentioned earlier, may be a bit, may be a full full condition, whatever life offers, really. Then we also hope our owner would be so kind as to introduce us to more people from time to time. That would be nice. We also hope people would stop looking at us and saying things like ‘Thailand’. Contrary to what you may think, we haven’t experienced Bangkok.

Big Spender Bad Black Finally Speaks Out From Prison

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Bad Black

This morning, ULK was given special clearance by no one in particular to enter Luzira prison and interview Queen Bad Black the Great. I was humbled and visibly shaken as I entered the prison cell housing the richest woman on earth.

But I was surprised when the face that turned to meet my glance belonged to CHOGM hero, Gilbert Bukenya. He wore a dress and a wig.

Our ULK camera guy was sleeping on the job so he beat up a Daily Monitor camera guy and stole his camera plus this image of Gilbert Bukenya in prison

ULK: Eh! Mahogany! What are you doing in a dress?!

BUKENYA: Escuse me?! Am not Bukenya! Am Bad Black.

ULK: For real?

BB: Don’t undress me kisirani! I can shoe you in court.

ULK: I’m terribly sorry, your highness. You look like…I’m so sorry, sir. Madam.

BB: It’s okay.

ULK: So how are you finding this place, your highness?

BB: Oh my God it smells! Oh! The bed smells, the food smells…they can’t even let you go-kko out for some lunch at Serena and you come back.

ULK: The prisons of today!

BB: You know? And they brought me here saying mbu I stole money!

ULK: What?! How can they? I see people here everyday making over 10million dollars in one day even when they do nothing. That’s very normal.

BB: You see? Achoosing me like that is pros…paper…pit…popo…

ULK: Preposterous. Here. Use my hankie. You’re sweating.

BB: You’re welcome.

ULK: So when are you starting?

BB: Starting what?

ULK: To splash the money in here. The paper. The chada. The dalladalla bills yo. I even thought I’d see you in a Bentley cruisin’ on the wessyde in the compound there. But I understand if you’re laying low for now. Me I’d have already bought a mattress made out of gold. I just want you to know that I respect your style.

BB: What are you talking about? I don’t have any money in here.

ULK: But you’re BAD BLACK! You mean I’ve been nice this whole time for nothing? You’re not giving me anything?

BB: What! No.

ULK: You evil crook! You used me!

BB: Guards!

GUARD: Sir, you need to leave the beautiful damsel in distress alone and go! Now!

ULK: It’s okay. You can stop pretending. She doesn’t have money!

GUARD: WHAT! But she’s Bad Black!

ULK: Nope. That went with the money. Now she’s just a Kampala nuisance who made me say good things about her without warning me that she couldn’t pay for them. I swear I’m reporting you to police! Don’t come for our party even!

GUARD: Me can I come?

ULK: Say something funny.

GUARD: Latifah Nalukenge.

ULK: Hehehe. Again. Say it again.

GUARD: Shanita Namuyimba.

ULK: Heheheheh…Wait, who?

GUARD: She’s the same one.

ULK: The same Naalu? She bought another name?

GUARD: Yes. Mbu even she even wanted to buy the name Queen Latifah but the woman who’s the owner in America refused.

ULK: So she’s called Latifah Nalukenge Shanita Namuyimba Almost Queen Latifah?

GUARD: Yes sir.

ULK: Hehehehehe. You can come for the party.

Who Or What is The Hostel

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The Hostel TV Series

The Hostel is a TV show about a bunch of college kids. It’s kind of like 90210 but annoying in a different way. Look I know we are all fans here, but let’s face it, Hostel is annoying. Especially because of these two reasons.

a. Sometimes the acting just switches back to Bibaawo That’s Life Mwattu stunts.

b. It’s on at 7:30pm for four days of the week. That’s four days when you can’t make proggie cos you need to watch this show.

However, in spite of its shortcomings such as the caretaker Sober’s accent, it is freakishly addictive. To the extent that even reason cannot explain. I thought I was only still watching because of the hot chicks, but I don’t even watch HB Toxic videos. I mean, that song with AY was nice but Going Out Tonight? When that song is on TV that is the only time people call Umeme and ask for their power to be cut off.

This should be a catch up article for fans, or should I say “fiends” of the show. Because have you ever seen a fan of heroin? But we should at least start with an intro to the show. So here we go.

The Setting

New Age Hostel, affiliated to a University which probably has a very good network of mercenaries to do your coursework for you because we hardly ever see the students studying or discussing or doing any of that weird shit students do like going to class. I think it is Makerere, but no one has ever said so.

Dramatis Personae (or Cast)
Patra: played by Hellen Lukoma formerly of defunct bad singing group The Obsessions. She currently serves as half of a duo with one good song and one other song called Going Out Tonight. Patra is a hot chick whose character evolved depth as the series progressed, but primarily she plays a hot female.
Annet: She is not a singer so we don’t know her real name. This is when the fact that the show does not run opening credits to identify the actors becomes an issue. The character of Annet, however, we know, grew up in an orphanage– this we know for sure because she keeps saying it over and over again.
Kitty: A miscellaneous hot chick. She speaks good English and cleaned off their enkyakya so people think she’s a class act, but then every once in a while the localness breaks out. Kitty is cool.
Jessica: Other miscellaneous hot chick, but a total bitch with thorns in her soul: thorns that will ruin hope and faith and rip all wholesome things to shreds. Also remarkable for the fact that she is a skinny chick with a fat chick’s chest. Seriously. She has a pair which she must have borrowed from someone else.
This far in the series, Jessica has attempted to steal her best friend’s boyfriend, has attempted to pimp said best friend to a rich guy, and has raped the hostel owner. Jessica puts the Ho in Hostel mu bufunze.
Hope: Hot, but not miscellaneous. She is the savedee roomate of Patra. One of the best things about this show is to imagine that once the cameras stop rolling, the character who plays Hope pulls a joint of marijuana out of her shoe, lights it up and starts cussing out the crew’s mothers.
Sober: The caretaker of the Hostel, an alcoholic. We have heard rumours that he is actually brilliant. No evidence of this has been televised as yet.
Twine: Odoki’s roomate, he is a wannabe revolutionary who, if this show was set in Makerere, would be attached to Livingstone Hall but want to be in Northcote. For those who don’t know what Northcote is, ref to History. He has repelled Annets advances in spite of the fact that Annet has the best hips in the building, and has instead focused on building his revolutionary porfolio. This  gives us a glimpse into why Otunnu is still single.
Odoch: The star of the show. A long, lanky, malwa-sipping rogue who vacillates between being a villain and being a hero and then has the best lines in the show. He frequently throws Acholi words into his dialogue and what I want to know is: why is it that when Annet speaks Luganda we say she’s local, but when Odoch speaks vanachula it’s cool? What do you Hostel fans have against my people? (By my people I mean these Gandies, by the way).
Now, I don’t want to get you all too excited, but ULK we inboxed Omara, and we have an exclusive interview coming up soon.

What do you mean I pee’d on bed?

DTF 2011: The Dance of Silence

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“Explorations and Boundaries”, the theme for the 2011 Dance Transmissions Festival, sounded more than just a workshop coinage on Day 2. Tabu-Flo Dance Company’s Gavin Atuhaire and Rosemary Atim stepped out of their mostly Hip-Hop boundary (or comfort zone if you like) to explore the vast (and at times intimidating) world of contemporary dance. There was nothing shaky about The Roller Coaster the duo’s dance commentary on the tumultuous ride that love can be. Their choreography was as formulaic as baby formula, the plot very linear. Man cheats on wife with secretary, man returns home for nookie with wifey but the odd piece of red lingerie gets in the way. Man begs wife for forgiveness and as spouses are wont to be he takes her back.

The dance love triangle was done in 10 minutes but those two are budding [contemporary dance] talent waiting to be plucked.

Nigeria’s Ogunrinola J. Olabayo brought a much-needed dance aesthetic in his Port of No Return. It was inspired by a visit to Senegal’s Goree Island, the last outpost on the West African slave trade route before captured human merchandise was sea-bound. Python movements, wing flaps and occasional yelps peppered Olabayo’s deep choreography. Even his undress into loincloth was done with amazing precision. The soundtrack had thunder and African drums, he made little use of the row of water bottles and putting his head into a bucket was lost on me.

Rwanda’s Amizero Dance Kompagnie brought their A-game in a dance trio titled Les Larmes Noire/ Black Tears. “Three bodies expressing the hunger for freedom, taking you towards their story of pain and tears” the programme notes read. The signature traditional Rwanda wave-like hand movements plus accompanying head twisting made the piece authentic. Sadly for the spirited choreography, the soundtrack- spoken vernacular over a haunting flamenco guitar- eclipsed the imaginative choreography.

Anna Konjetzky opened the night with Abdrucke Folgen 2011, a multimedia solo that saw the audience leave their auditorium seats to encircle the petite dancer on stage. Hers were mostly Pilates-like routines mimicking the dance of silence. The only sound came from her heavy breathing amplified by the wiry microphone pasted onto her face.

South Africa’s Siya-Funeka Dance Company’s solo was movement to a beautifully harmonised anti-apartheid chant. The solo dancer was stretching out his arm as if to shake our hands thrice to which no one in the audience responded. Kenya’s Tuchangamke Productions capped Day 2 with a very contemporary piece. It explored rural urban relations in a duet titled Orudo Na Jua Kali. The female dancer explores the journey at a superficial and societal level while the male dancer explores permeations of urban reality at a personal level with deeper resonance of his environment.

It was too many things happening all at once; the male dancer oscillating between tube-fiddle playing and the female raising audience testosterone levels with a skimpy yellow frock. Eating a hard-boiled egg would have been easier to digest than this piece.

DTF 2011: Crosses and Dances with Death

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Day 1 of the 2nd annual Dance Transmissions Festival had six servings of under-20-minute dance performances at Kampala’s National Theatre. Cathy Nakawesa of Beautiful Feet Dance Company opened the showcase with a solo that showed off her dance athleticism. Her stint at Senegal’s Ecole des Sables sure stood her in good stead as she executed Influence, a self-choreographed piece in which she asks; “am I the things that influence me, whether in submission to or revolt against them?” Her principal prop is a piece of cloth she desperately wants to wiggle out of. Nakawesa has the beautiful feet every dancer worth his/her salt should aspire to possess. She seamlessly weaved traditional hip-shaking Bakisimba routines from Buganda and Zulu kicks into one dance sentence, a testimony to her ability to fuse contemporary dance with traditional African movement despite her preference for a Eurocentric classical piano soundtrack.

Youngster Phillip Roy Buyi had the other memorable solo of the night. His piece Imagination had him swinging one arm and leg like a pendulum then progress to gliding on his head and later body-jerking free-styling to a Kwaito beat. He did not have to struggle to prove he was not a one-trick [Hip-hop] dance pony. He was pretty much in control showing off the musicality of his nimble dance body, one that can move to any musical genre thrown at him.
It is not time to write off industry veteran Rogers Masaba either. Insight had him dance around three props, a desk on which he stretched his legs upwards, his hands holding his torso in space, a bench he lifted off the ground with his posterior and a stool he leapt over a couple of times. For the most part, it was paced strides across the stage down to the first row of the auditorium and then back. This was a stage sage telling us through dance motion to stick to the things in life we can perform competently to the soundtrack of raspy jazzy sounds that were not always easy on the ear.

Truth be told, Clay Dance Company had cluttered feet of clay. Tribulation came off as doomsday prophecy dance that bordered on religious fundamentalism! Black black-clad males dragging a bony topless Jesus who is later roped onto a cross. Surrounded by white-clad angels, the now resurrected tunic-clad Jesus triumphs over the black-clad agents of bondage to rescue the wretched beings they had caged. Despite the out-of-sync choreography and dancers crashing into each other half the time, this was dance putty whose enthusiasm should be the joy of any patient choreographer.

The promise of resurrection may be the Biblical quid-pro-quo for believing in Jesus but the sobering reminder in Desire Kenneth Tereka’s Death is Calling was that we had to die first with the [white cross] coffin as our last accessory, one whose colour we do not have the prerogative to choose. Everyone has a dance with death if the group choreography in which the hesitant protagonist and the quartet from Hades that the grim reaper’s bidding was anything to go by. The fact though is we all have to succumb to our mortality at some point if only we could thank the pall bearers that hoist our remains into our final resting place six feet under.

There was not much to take from the weak tea choreography in Ngwanzu, the duet by DR Congo’s Busara Dance Company. It mattered little that the stern teacher and distracted student were identical twins momentarily gyrating to signature Soukouss music. There was contemporary relevance to the subject matter of their piece. Like the heart, smartphones are not so smart after all and are a metaphor for the dissatisfaction that riddles the better part of our lives. DTF II continues at the National Theatre on Saturday (October 22) and Sunday (October 23) at 7pm. Tickets: UGX 10K.

MOSES SERUGO

An artsy wreath for Muammar Al Gaddafi

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Muammar Al Gaddafi

I took some time off to hold a moment of silence in memory of Colonel Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi. I believe Gaddafi was an artsy fellow who came off as artsy-fartsy. One does not need to look hard for his imprint on the Kampala arts scene. Take the imposing Gadaffi Mosque on the Old Kampala Hill complete with a semi-circular arch and a towering minaret.

Gaddafi Mosque Aerial View

Even before it was completed- lying as a shell for a good chunk of the post-Amin era- it looked less of an eyesore compared to its hill-mounted Aya Hotel rival. Religious sentimentality, especially from those that still feel the mosque symbolizes a failed attempt at Islamizing Uganda, has made us fail to appreciate the mosque’s contribution to varying Kampala’s skyline that is mostly dotted by mirrored and tiled high-rise buildings that give our capital city an oversized bathroom feel. Perhaps students of arts history will marvel at its [four] bronze-coloured shimmering domes by day and the mosque’s aesthetically lit exterior on a non-load-shed Kampala night.

Before Tropical African Bank sold out to modern-day banking practice thereby desecrated a prized Kampala art piece, the mural outside the then Libyan Arab Bank at the Kampala Road/ Entebbe Road junction traffic lights was quite a revered tiled tapestry showing various global currencies. Any country with a functioning Arts Council or arts-philes with “balls” would have protested loudly at the installation of ATMs that necessitated destruction of part of the mural. Now that is another indictment on Kampala ever attempting to say vie for Easy African Capital of Culture status. That Gadaffi didn’t have sap in his fingers is well documented.

All those leaders whose AU bills he picked and all those pauper royals whose palaces (Tooro’s Karuzika royal abode comes to mind) he refurbished can attest to that.

Perhaps he should have paid more attention to turning Tripoli into a cultural hub that that megalomaniacal plan to become Africa’s King of Kings. I recall him flying fashionista Sylvia Owori and her bevy of Miss Uganda/ modelling beauties to Libya for an arts & cultural showcase. Or was that a veiled audition for Muammar’s next legion of voluptuous female bodyguards? Perhaps the literary world will acknowledge his contribution by way of his infamous Green Book. Sales must have spiked it onto a bestseller list now that the “king” is dead.

Uganda Cranes; So Close Yet So Far

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“Nigeria is leaving under past glory” were the words of a Guinea official after Guinea drew 2-2 with Nigeria to deny them a berth at next year’s Africa cup of nations. So was the case with Uganda cranes draw with harambee stars. We used our past glory to think we were going to trample over the Kenyans. We failed to realize this was our sternest test in the Africa cup qualifiers. After the match, the Kenyan players claimed our pompous attitude was responsible for their resolute performance.

FUFA’s claim that luck was not on our side makes you wonder how a nation can be tied to bad luck for 33years. I believe luck favours those that prepare well. If the David Obua debacle hadn’t taken place then I would join the chorus of bad luck. It seems FUFA under estimated the repercussion of such a rash decision. This exposed the managerial incompetence at the federation, which has been a long time problem of all past FUFA administrators. If we are going to qualify for next year’s Africa cup of nations we will have to sort out all off the field issues that may affect the team.

Of course we can’t sort out all problems, but the ingenuity with which FUFA deals with such issues is what will matter. When we got a crucial win in Guinea Bissau, We got all bullish and started thinking we had already qualified. I believe that’s where we began losing focus. It seems like every failed Africa cup qualifier campaign, we convince ourselves that we have learnt enough lessons only for another to emerge. One wonders when we shall emerge from this learning stage and delve into the results stage.

Now that Lawrence Mulindwa has vowed to stay at the helm of FUFA, the fans, corporate bodies and journalists have duty to pressurize the governing body to implement drastic changes like youth development which will bring long-term changes and not short-term fixes. The Cranes scoring crisis should be solved at the angle of youth development. Geoffrey Massa’s poor heading, Moses Oloya’s poor first touch are all problems stemming from poor youth development. FUFA needs to engage the corporate bodies to finance youth development in all the age categories. This will ensure a steady conveyor belt of complete players, which will bring about competition for places in the national team.

Apple’s former creative mind Steve jobs once said “I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me”. The October 8TH setback can only make us stronger if we prepare and organize a robust team that will compete well with the cream of Africa. The government through the sports ministry needs to put the football governing body task and instead of emerging only when there are wrangles in the football body. The future is bright for Ugandan football, only if all stakeholders are able to graduate from this lesson learning stage to tangible results.

53 Extra: Imitation Fails to Flatter

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It is rather odd that DStv can decimate what was initially a continental show into a showbiz PR piece for one country. Studio 53 started off as a showcase of the positive attributes of the African continent beyond the stereotypical clichés of poverty, ignorance and disease. The show, which has since morphed into 53 Extra, now aggressively pushes DStv’s “Naija-cked” agenda where Nigerian cultural imperialism is being pushed down the throats of the rest of the continent.

A recent episode featured 2Face Idibia’s birthday- his musical compatriots P-Square fawning all over the birthday boy, equating him to an African Michael Jackson. It was probably the birthday party liquor talking, Hennessy perhaps which was the focus of the second insert, an all star music video the title sponsors of 53 Extra were bankrolling. Then it was on to putting faces to popular Nigerian radio voices (like the rest of the continent cares about radio talent that lacks the broadcast reach of say BBC, VOA or RFI). The finale was a bland interview about a continentally obscure music mogul Eldee a.k.a. The Don, who would like to extend his production hand by doing “collaboz” with artistes from Uganda.

Only the insert about the launch of Fashion TV Africa had a semblance of a pan-African angle although the possibility of African models and fashion designers showcasing in New York, Paris, Milan, London and Tokyo was not well articulated with show host Dolapo Eni choosing to focus her interview on the couple that runs the Nigerian fashion house Couture Africa. It is a sad commentary on a show that emerged as an offshoot of 2003’s revolutionary Big Brother Africa I in which a team of able TV personalities offered fringe viewing by taking us into the respective countries of the 12 housemates that had been confined to a hedonistic human zoo experience for 106 days. A brainwave hit the “creatives” at DStv and an idea for a continental lifestyle and travel show was birthed. A continental competition to search for a name yielded Studio 53, the digits being the number of African countries at the time before Southern Sudan increased it to 54.

Studio 53’s 2004 debut had former TV Africa Alice Chavundika news anchor as its first presenter. Generations’ Rosie Motene replaced her following a freak motor accident. Our own Gaetano Kaggwa joined Motene as co-host of the then 30-minute show in an on-screen chemistry in which they connected with field presenters that criss-crossed the continent seeking out travel hotspots, palate-teasing cuisine, haute couture, over-achieving Africans and folks that has made a life of themselves in the Diaspora. Those 300 episodes shot over five years continue to rank amongst the gold standard of great television, the continental armchair joyride they provided notwithstanding.

As subscribers whose stake in Africa’s premier pay-TV company is the fact that we pay top-dollar for more than just a crisp satellite digital signal (if only our screens didn’t post an error message every time it rained) and mp3-quality audio every month, it is time to demand for our pound of quid-pro-quo flesh. Nigeria may be a cash cow with 150-million reasons for DStv to suck up to them by way of all manner of tailor-made programming a la Naija Sings, Moments With Mo, Tinsel, Nigezie. But it is just one piece of the 54 African-nation pie despite holding a sixth of the continent’s billion-strong population. Studio 53 should be a CSR token from DStv to the rest of the continent. There is so much in a name for 53 Extra to continue masquerading as  a side-bar to the original. Not that it would smell sweeter if it were say Studio Naija/Nigezie/whatever.

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