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Tales Of The Fund | Part Two

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admin
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NSSF Uganda

This exciting, exhilarating, action-packed league of tales is brought to you by…

Open this door for Part One: OPEN.

Previously on Tales Of The Fund.

  • A mother exists.
  • She produces twins, Simon & Kato.
  • She dies.
  • A mothball-looking lawyer tells the twins they’ve inherited 60M.
  • But how? From where? The tale continues?

And now Part Two…

Random girls doing mazina maganda while staring straight into the camera. Ushered out of view by two raging goats with red eyes running towards them

(Camera zooms out and then zooms in on a zit on someone’s nose. Camera stays there and moviegoers take bets on whose nose it is….)

(Camera zooms out and we see the face of the mothballed lawyer from part one of this horrific romantic comedy. As the more perceptive of you may have guessed, the nose also belongs to him.)

Mothball lawyer steadies his hand as he lifts a glass of water to his lips. His shoulders are hunched and he is weary.

2 hours earlier

(Shattering glass, loud accented voice) Mothball lawyer, I will be back for my money in 2 hours. You better have it if you know what’s good for you.

Mothball lawyer: (Pleading) I’ll have your money El Fuego. I just need more time. I’m handling this big inheritance for…

El Fuego:  2 hours…that’s it. 1.2. (Walks out like a drama queen, summons his goons to follow him)

2 hours later

The door’s kicked in. Mothball lawyer gets up, splatters the water he was attempting to sip and starts mumbling something. The goons are hard of hearing. They give him a phenomenal earth-shattering whooping that was last seen on screen when the Hulk faced off with Thumbelina. Mothball lawyer goes into a coma.

At the twins’ residence

The twins, in their Sunday best, sit and wait for mothball lawyer to show up and read to them the details of their recently-acquired wealth. Simon’s already picturing all the teachers he’ll go visit and tell them ‘Look who made it….muhahahaha. mulol’. He spends several minutes practicing his evil mulol in the mirror. He settles for a cross between a chicken cluck and a bleating goat gurgling water while being strangled.

3 hours later

Being stood up is a new concept the twins are starting to learn. Re-reading ‘Chic’ magazine has lost its appeal and the duo is now restless. Simon is dealing by playing hide-and-seek with the maid; Kato is enduring news on WBS.

1 week later

The twins have changed clothes a number of times and bathed almost as many times. Even though they both go about their usual teenage routines, they are each still waiting on the mothball lawyer, bored.

8 years later

Simon works with a top-secret organization outside countries and his job is to ask people who believe they’ve met aliens to look at a katorchi phone which emits light and erases their memory.

Kato works a drab 8-to-5 job in the rat race in Uganda.

One day, (one night, in Simon’s case due to different time zones), the twins receive a phone call. They pick up.

“Hullo”, crackles the voice on the other end.

“It’s mothball lawyer…”

Your catch:

Write your own version of a kickass ending to this story. The ending with the highest number of likes by 4pm Friday gets 40k airtime free just like that. NSSF doesn’t make you hassle when something belongs to you.

Tales Of The Fund | Part One

By
admin
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0
NSSF Uganda

This exciting, exhilarating, action-packed league of tales is brought to you by…

Disclaimer:

We, the editorial chaps of ULK, do certify that to the best of our knowledge… you know what? Just be prepared for anything. Grab the popcorn.

BOOK ONE

Once upon a time not so long ago, like during Obote 2, a young maiden by the name of Jane was walking. This maiden was pure and perfect of heart, but with the best legs in the seven hills of Kampala; in fact her legs almost made it as a footnote in the P.3 Physics syllabus of that year.

As she walked along, she saw two hibiscus flowers on a bush. One was pretty and unassuming and as if bending down in a sideways manner. It was the kind of flower you automatically knew they would use to brew a nice detoxifying tea. The second was brash and ill-manneredly colored; surrounded with a mass of rambunctious bees.

The young lady stopped herself in mid stride and studied the flowers. In her mind, they made a beautiful picture, contrasting as they did two extremes. She thought to herself;

“Kale it would be like so cool if I had baby twins who were like that. One calm, sweet and serious… the other wild and crazy… hmm.”

At that point a chill came over her and caused goose bumps all over her arms. Scientists have since established that it was the winds of fate telling her that she had no idea what she was getting herself into.

Within a few weeks our heroine discovered she was pregnant with twins.

From birth, Simon and Kato were different, Kato was the more laid back guy; he was even born with swagg. Simon was a hotheaded guy with too much ruckus on his mind and nothing to do with it.

In nursery while Simon stole his friends’ gnuts and put Omo in their juice bottles; Kato was busy being cool. In Lower Primary while Simon refused to play sports with shorts and insisted on tug-of-warring in his birthday suit, Kato was mastering being cool. In P.5, while Simon was busy arguing with the teacher over the correct spelling of the word “SPELLING”, Kato was too cool to be bothered about being cool.

This is how they went on, and the first eighth or so of our movie is filled with a series of clips showing their first 18 years of life starring a series of bu-young chaps who look like what the main actor would look like if he was that age.

This state of affairs subsisted until their 18th birthday when their charming existence was thrown into disarray by the passing of their mother; Jane.

At the funeral they were approached by a mothball-looking lawyer who broke to them some startling news; they had inherited 60 squeaky clean million shillings.

“But how could that be?” asked Simon who, as ever, was more eager than he needed to be and thus couldn’t allow the punch line to unravel naturally.

Which is where you come in. Guess where the mysterious money came from and win 10 easy thousand shillings worth of airtime NOW NOW NOW!

 

To win:

  • Take as many guesses as you want, before 4pm today.
  • Write your answer in the comments section below and remember, no copying! We have big eyes. Besigye follows us on Twitter.
  • Everyone with the right answer wins free airtime at 4pm.

*** *** ***  *** *** ***  *** *** ***

 

Answer:

Unfortunately, no one got the answer right.

The first clue is in the very first line. Jane exists in the days of Obote 2 and NSSF wasn’t founded until 1986. So the money didn’t come from NSSF. It’s like saying that the Bad Black baby is white.

The second (and most obvious) clue is right there in your face. You just can’t see it. The money came from Jane, the mother. Sometimes the most obvious things are not so obvious. Straka may actually not be fat. Maybe you just have a big TV. Or big eyes.

So you think you don’t need to save with NSSF? Think again. Big benefits await you. Tune in next week for BOOK TWO. This time we raise the stakes & the value of the prize.

She’s Not Sexy Anymore

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admin
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She is Not Sexy Anymore

Uncle Agony dear,

My girlfriend doesn’t care about her health and body shape anymore. She was sexy when I fell in love with her and we dated for some time but now she just looks funny. Whenever I try to bring it up she says am mean and selfish because I only love her for her body and that I should remember that she is the same girl I fell in love with. But I swear she’s not. Sometimes I really feel like ending the relationship. What should I do?

Man with a serious problem.

Man with a serious problem dear,

Most relationship counselors advise lovers to ignore their partners’ outside looks, and instead look at and appreciate the insides. But to do that you’d have to take her for surgery and look at her intestines or just wait until she gets a wound. Tell her that if she loves you very much but doesn’t want to get properly shaped, she should at least get a wound.

If she refuses, take her out for a date on Jinja road and push her in front of a speeding truck. She will automatically get a wound and your relationship will become better. Have you also tried closing your eyes while looking at her?

New Talent From Rubaga

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admin
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Rubaga has been known to be a haven for raw talent and the latest to emerge from the artistic village is Bukaman a mastereo of dancehall music. When he isnt flying solo the singer can be found with his VYBZ Unit Entertainment crew consisting of Bob King, Dizzie afro, Dj Senior B, and their Producer Kron of TMD label. the singer started singing four years ago and will soon be releasing a major collabo with crooner Nubian Li.

Women’s Day Special: The Greatest & Worst Women Alive

By
Street Sider
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Happy Women Day

It was on March 8 60,000 BC that God created the first woman and that is why we take this day off each year to reflect on Woman’s contributions to society.

Some women are awesome. Some suck. Because we don’t want to discriminate, least of all on Women’s Day, we are going to recognize both the awesomest and the lousiest women in our special women’s day post.

BAZANYE CHOICES

The Greatest Woman Alive

My nomination for the World’s Greatest Woman is Jennifer Mu$i$i aka Jenny From The Block aka J-Mu.

One day she was just making cakes, and the next she was earning all of the money to chase the socks, safi and ganja sellers off Bombo Road, shouting “Get eradicated, your filthy bastards!”

You may say her heavy-handed Kim Jong Illish tactics were unfair, especially now that you have to go all the way to the park to buy Chinese underwear, but just know that it is thanks to her that there are no rolex stalls outside Diamond Trust all along that road up to BOU. It is only the timely intervention of the Mighty Musisi that saved us. I know we all love rolex, but that stuff is not hygienic.

The Worst Woman Alive

My nomination is Lady Gaga. The reason is obvious, but I’m going to first go over the objections you are going to raise.

“Oh she makes great music.” So? Who doesn’t? Even LMFAO make good music. Doesn’t mean they’re not the most gonorrhealistic worms that ever infected the rectum of music.

IVAN CHOICES

The Greatest Woman Alive

I salute Bad Black. No, no. That doesn’t mean that she has me standing at attention, but I recognize her contribution to our little landlocked country. Not many Ugandan ladies would go out of their way to buy people drinks, but Bad went the extra mile and made it rain in the club. Well done!

So what if she used her body to make money? Unlike you, the government can’t tax her income. That there is as innovative as it is shrewd.  Bad Black Brought Bleaching Back! Badness!!

History has shown that we evolve backwards {dorky spectacles, short shorts, and Uganda’s economy…} Bad has rejuvenated the Colour Separation Movement.

The Worst Woman Alive

My nomination for ‘eh-eh’ woman of the year is that girl from the Sukuma advert on telly. I wanted it to be someone from the sexual network ads, but never has sending an sms looked so unappealing.

That ad comes on and I quickly drop my phone lest I start doing “the dance”… you know the one. I do not know her personally and it’s very likely I never will, but anyone that can take texting and turn it into what must happen when the “I need a distraction while I wait for the cubicle in the loo opens up-dance” and “Ugandan video sex appeal” meet and have a baby does not deserve any credit.

On the plus side, “Mwana, ndi wano nsukuma” has taken on a whole new meaning…

ERIQUE

The Greatest Woman Alive

Rihanna Nakimbugwe.

No, it’s not what you think. We broke up. The reason for my nomination is different.

When a woman leaves Barbados in Kalerwe, boards a plane to America and takes a boda to studio just to record an announcement asking people to help and tell her what her name is, you can blame it on farming in China and let it pass.

But when people start singing and dancing to the announcement instead of calling her to pass on their condolences and read her what’s on her birth certificate, you know she forgot to move with her clothes. Respect to all the women who wear clothes that are still in the larva stage of growth.

The Worst Woman Alive

Masts are tall structures designed to support antennas for things like television and radio broadcasting. They are among the tallest man-made structures and are constructed using heavy steel, reinforced concrete, fiberglass and wood.

You know where I’m going with this, right?

With these construction materials, mast assembly requires so much dedicated labour that it takes a team of not less than thirty strong men aided by hefty Class A machinery and Straka to assemble just one adolescent mast.

Former Cabinet Ninja for Presidential affairs, Masiko Roko Construction Kabakumba disassembled and reassembled one single-handedly. Now that’s a bad girl right there. My nomination for Worst Woman Alive.

Respect to all the female mast uprooters in the world. And the women doing master’s degrees.

SLEEK

The Greatest Woman Alive

That enterprising, go-getting, take-no-prisoners woman who after downing the guy’s drinks all night asks him to drop her in Nabbingo. At 5:00 A.M. You are a true hero. You fuel the economy.

Oh oh oohh teacher me. Also, that lady who goes and takes all her photos with one limb sticking out. She lets so many men out there know that the power is in their hand.

The Worst Woman Alive

That woman who goes to the first date with three of her buddies. She’s letting the guy choose a position on the sexual network.

STREETSIDER

Erique: The man wasn’t at ULK headquarters because he was doing a much greater service to his woman in her honour. Bless you, Streets. You’ve truly represented and fought for the honour of all men. May your farts never stink.

From the entire team at ULK, we wish all women the greatest of celebrations. It better be a public holiday. That’s a threat.

Monday Massacres: Wooing

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0

Lil’ Sleek was the schweetest child ever. Toothy grin, starry eyes, small tuft of hair, just the right amount of kid potbelly…just too schweet. Left to his own devices, schweet Lil’ Sleek would spend his days encouraging insects to make out…in his young mind, insects never really got the urge to ‘get boogy’ on their own, and even at that age he knew that w’out ‘the boogy’, the continuity of species was at stake.

So there was this girl…(ah yes, what’s a great non-gay tale without a girl. Let’s dive straight into describing her. Come, come, let’s go).

Yes, there was this girl, smile like the sun on 10 cups of coffee, bosom like a Pam job done perfectly, legs long, like they won’t let you think of anything else, hair like those smily girls in those Shampoo adverts. This girl, she was the ish and a bag of chips. Three bags of chips. Three bags of chips and enyongeza. Now with such tales, there’s always another guy. A hater. A being whose only goal in life is to frustrate the young man the tale began with (the young man in this tale is Lil Sleek. Just so matters do not get confused).

Now Lil Sleek and that nigger out to make this tale interesting by making lil-sleek’s life-hard, let’s call him Mulemesi, both of these young urchins liked the girl we described above. So while Lil Sleek would write her poems:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Envy is green,

You, my pretty, you aren’t mean,

You remind me of candy,

Ai bambi,

You and I, we should get together,

And hold hands, fo’eva

And the girl with a smile like the sun on ten cups of coffee, she’d break into that smile and the people around her would suffer. Some would break into a sweat.

Mulemesi on the other hand, chose something inspired by the movies he’d been exposed to. He went through mum’s garden and pulled out some prickly flowers and took to her. She smiled even more.

Round one: Mulemesi

Lil’ Sleek had dreams of being a travelling country musician. So he figured, what better way to bring the dream to life than by singing to her. He went outside her window and sampled something for her, complete with beat-boxing to fill in those useless parts in songs where there’s no singing.

Mulemesi chose a more direct approach. He stole a doll from his neighbor and took it to her. She grinned. But she didn’t grin when the law caught up with her.

Round two: Lil’ Sleek.

Love Vs Culture: Which Way Should We Go?

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admin
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Love Vs Culture

She wants to kiss the frog of her dreams but her people want her to kiss a frog from Tooro Kingdom. To the old people, culture is the most important aspect when choosing a travel partner. This is the pressure that Princess Ruth Komuntale is experiencing from her people of the Tooro Kingdom.

The princess who is yet to get married to his American fiance has broken the hearts of those who think that she should strictly follow culture rather than love!

Marriage comes in different forms around the world but most present it’s seen as something shared between two people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together.

Culture:

When it comes to culture you have low context and hight context.

African culture is a high-context culture the eastern hemisphere is family centered,where decisions are made as a unit. Family is importance and that is why several marriages are done to maintain cultural values and to not stray away from such.

Love;

For those who advocate for love, they believe love is love! When you fall in love, you fall once! There is nothing like boundaries once you fall in love. Neither culture or religion can stop the chemistry that exist between the two love birds.

To you the great readers of the Urban Legend Kampala, would you go against the frogs of your culture for the frogs of your heart?

Underworld: The City Needs A Savior

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0
Underworld

It’s 2012 and a beautiful but deadly KCCA vampire rises to defend a chaotic city that is entrenched in a war between good and evil. With opposition bitching at every turn, Jennifer Musisi must fight against corrupt cops, dirty politicians and the infamous villainous sausage of Luzira, George Agaba. To make things right, she’s going to have to face, the underworld.

Critics’ Reviews

Wabula, this movie had me on the edge of my chair. Nanti I couldn’t hear what she was saying so I had to lean close – Augustus Tofaayo, Citizens On Edge

Leave our Executive Director alone. You will pay dearly for this – Patrice Smith, Al Shya Boob
That woman is going to have my babies, you wait – Name Withheld

The Uganda Top Ten Articles Of 2011

By
Mikey Makukuba
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0

We’ve had quite a year here at the ULK headquarters. We had our first near-death experience when the cable that powers the site was unplugged by masked gunmen, then there was an oily saga that involved several ministers hitting each other with pillowcases while shouting at each other to retire, then there was the laying off of our tea lady for trying to ‘borrow’ the water-powered car we’d assembled, several interviews with award-winning swindlers, then concerts, parrteeeiiizzz, sausages, walking with legs, and revolutionary benevolence.

Our friends at Google analyzed your responses to err’thing and using their findings, we compiled the top 10 ULK articles of 2011. Thanks for being part of the journey. Stay legendary!

Desh In Rally Accident Scare!

By
admin
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0
Desh Kananura

Fans and friends are worried for newly established rallying favourite Desh aka Andrew Kananura. Following his first win last week in Lubiri, we hear Desh and fellow rally ace Ponsiano Lwakataka have both put a Shs 5m stake for the winner of champion of champion sprint at Nabinonya this Sunday.

This however, is viewed by most fans as an ill omen. An insider however explained to our paps that it is not about omens and luck but the fact that Desh isn’t used to the tracks and is therefore most likely to roll his Subaru N14.

It is rumored that the sudden death of Rally Ace Riyaz Kurji was a result of the $5000 bet he had made with Emma Kato which forced him to drive at a fatal speed.

 

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