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State House Down: What Happens When Bad Guys Raid The President’s Office?

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admin
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State House Down

Have you watched the movie White House Down? Those who haven’t probably think it’s about giving directions nti mbu that the White House is down those ends, but it’s not.

It’s about bad guys attacking the White House to kidnap and kill a President Obama called President Sawyer.

Now, we all know how cool it is when a country is attacked and things are blown and cars are chased and people die.

Unfortunately, much as we’d love for this to happen to other countries for a change, it can’t. It’s something to do with the way the American Constitution was drafted to restrict aliens, zombies and all bad guys to attacking the U.S. alone.

So the rest of us are left to just imagine it for ourselves. To imagine properly, we had to start by inducing boredom. So we tuned in to Hot 100.

Presenting 10 things that would happen if State House was attacked by the American Association of Bad Guys.

1. They’d beat security checks by holding NRM cards and chanting “CORRUPTION IS GOOD!!! CORRUPTION IS GOOD!!!”

2. Inside State House, they’d fire shots and order everyone to get on the floor or die. No one would care. So they’d shoot again and order everyone to get on the floor or they let GNL sing in English. Terrified, everyone would get down immediately.

3. Then they’d walk into the Oval Square Office and be surprised to find that it has a bush built within. Museveni would shoot at them from the bush.

4. The bush war would go on for 5 years.

5. Meanwhile back in Parliament, they’d swear in fellow president Bobi Wine to take over power.

6. To avert the crisis, President Wine would record a song about weed and send it to State House to smoke out the bad guys.

7. But he’d be arrested for writing letters.

8. Then there would be riots and disorder in every town in Uganda. Back in Kasangati, Besigye would get out of his house to see what’s happening but would be teargassed back in for trying to cause chaos.

9. General Mega Dee & his army would descend upon State House with deadly CDs rejected by radio stations to rescue the president.

10. After a successful rescue, the bad guys would be sentenced to death. But they’d get pardoned and be appointed ministers cos they had NRM cards.

Maurice Kirya 101. Paper 1

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admin
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Maurice Kirya

What is the correct spelling of Maurice Kirya’s name?
a) Mooreese Kirya
b) Morris Kirya
c) More Rice and Liver
d) Young Reezy
e) Old Reezy (Cos Kirya must be in his 30s now)

Maurice Kirya’s character in The Hostel and Gilo (played by Johnny Bravo) are going to have a fight one day. Any time now. What will this fight look like?
a) Karate Kid (the new one when Will Smith’s kid gets meleed ninety-eight percent of the movie.
b) Neo in the Matrix vs Agent Smith
c) Ben 10 vs Vilgax
d) Robina Kisitu vs Twitter (seriously, this chick does not understand that you can’t tweet certain things when your boss has a computer?)

Which of these instruments does Maurice Kirya play?
a) Da Jitta

Besides that.
a) A comb
b) Sunglasses
c) A fork
d) The local governments code of ethics
What is Kirya Live 2013?
a) We see him those Ntinda sides oba?
b) Doing without condo…
Don’t be silly. There may be kids reading this. Or Catholics.
a) Kirya when his bodily functions are active and in good condition
b) His concert coming up at the 18th of July at Serena.
c) Why can’t I make the condom joke? Kids should know about condoms also.
d) Gilo is also a musician called Matthew Nabwiso. Do you think he will come to the concert and steal the microphone batteries because of their beef over Patra?
Those are fictional characters. Nabwiso is probably buddies with Kirya. You never know.
a) I hope not. If they are that will be kind of boring. I want them to fight.
b) Maurice Kirya is also a fictional character. I only see him on TV and on the internet. How do we know that he is not also a fictional character
c) By going to the concert, dumbass.
d) This is no longer a test. The questions and answers are getting mixed up.

Google Uganda Seeks to Reduce all Internet Barriers through GASP

By
Mikey Makukuba
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Google Uganda organised a Google Apps Supporting Program (GASP) summit aimed at reducing all internet barriers and institutions with information about the the program.

The summit which was held at Protea Hotel in Kampala on 10th-11th june, highlighted the benefits of the GASP, and showcased the work Google is doing with exisiting universities with a focus on infrasturcture support and intergration.

Google which is an innovative search technologies that connect millions of people around the world with information, said that Uganda universites will benefit from GASP because of the free offers it gives like customised tools that enable faculties, staff and students to work together, learn effectively through the provision of Google Apps.

Google also stated that it is working to facilitate a vibrant and sustainable internet ecosystem with GASP. Where GASP seeks to reduces any communication barriers like internet access barriers and collaborate thousands of universities and institutions staff and students. This will help enhance teaching, learning and research through the use of Google tools and technologies.
While speaking at the summit, John Wesonga the GASP lead for Sub- Saharan Africa, highlighted the benefits of the program and said,

“The program is an initiative designed to catalyse internet usage and Google Apps adoption in Sub – Saharan Africa universities through the provision of Google Apps for education and that Google will support the institutions through deployment of the program, strengthening existing ICT services, technical consulting and training.”

The conference targeted universities senior management like VC’s and ICT managers in Uganda to bring together over 20 public and private universities and institutions in the region.

Pepsi Pumps 200m into Konshens and Alaine’s Concert

By
Mikey Makukuba
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Last year, when Garfield Spencer alias Konshens came to town, he literally caused a stampede of sorts as revelers were held in frenzy during his concert held at Lugogo Cricket Oval. And well, as of last Friday 31 May 2013, there was an official confirmation of the ‘Do Sumn’ musical sensation’s return at it in the same place and obviously for the same reason only this time with fellow Jamaican artist Alaine under the sponsorship of Crown Beverages’ Pepsi – rumoured to have pumped a whooping 200 million shillings to fly the artists into Uganda.

Naturally, following the overwhelming success of Konshens’ concert last year, the brainchild behind his coming in both instances, Lollipop Events in conjunction with Solo Events must have tossed their dice and discovered higher odds in collaborating with Pepsi as the official sponsors of the concert. This, in a business aspect is a strategic move as the Pepsi brand is looking to regain its place as the leading carbonated soft drink brand in Uganda, having struggled for a couple years.

Pepsi, after jumping into the river with both feet couldn’t have thought of a better venue than Club Venom’s beach side to host the Konshens Concert Launch party, if simulating a beach experience synonymous with Jamaica’s music while keeping it intimate with the audience was anything to go by. Expectedly, representatives from Pepsi including Mr. Tibayeita Innocent, the Head of Sales and Marketing gave their vote of confidence about the concert slated for 23rd August 2013 emphasizing that being official sponsors was a step in the right direction for both Pepsi and for music in Uganda.

Mr. Tibayeita also expressed his appreciation for the trust vested in them by Lollipop events and Solo events as official sponsors for the concert. As well, he thanked the journalists from the various media houses – who munched snacks and guzzled drinks away all night – for supporting the cause.

It is quite established by virtue of our consumer habits that; many a Ugandan will likely receive the news of Konshens 2nd concert with more excitement than the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ to save the World. In this regard, the average Ugandan would not mind a hopelessly extravagant expenditure – just to attend this concert – if that is what it will take.

Konshens and Alaine’s concert in Uganda is therefore sure to be yet another musically ecstatic experience as Ugandans will receive it as another fresh breeze of fun and entertainment. Even more, the anticipated revenue in gate collections is well expected to skyrocket even more than the previous show, especially because there are two international music sensations involved. I too will surely be keeping my fingers crossed for this one come 23rd August 2013.

Movie Of The Month | The Letter

By
Erique
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The Sejjusa Letter

In a dystopian future in a city filled with writing pads, one man dares to put paper to pen setting in motion a chain of events that will alter a nation…FOREVER.

A retired colonel must resort to using all his wits if he is to survive. With betrayal and intrigue and other cool sounding things surrounding his best intentions at every corner, he must scribble carefully. The stakes are high and everyone is just dying to have the last word.

I can not unsee this movie. It’s captivating, will definitely bring the house down – The Monitor

There was no thigh. Where are the thighs? – The Red Pepper

Plays like an ad for our products – Picfare

I didn’t get it. Does this mean I can no longer send Nalweyiso love notes? – De Scholar

Lost & Found: General Ssejjusa’s Ninja Letter

By
Erique
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0
Ssejjusa

If you’ve been on the Ugandan internets, then you know that Uganda Police downloaded the new version of Angry Birds and played it yesterday at the Daily Monitor and Red Pepper offices.

They raided the offices of two newspapers and two radio stations, not to send dedications to loved ones, but to look for the letter General Sejusa sent to the media houses for publication.

However, when the raid started, the letter was out in the back peeing from whence it heard the scuffle and sneaked out through the toilet window. It immediately reported to ULK headquarters for refuge and a cup of tea. Here’s an interview it had with our ninja reporter.

Reporter: How do you feel? I see fear written all over you.

Letter: Still shaken up. I peed on myself even. See.

Reporter: Dude! Put your envelope back on.

Letter: Sorry. I have a thing for exposure.

Reporter: So why are they looking for you?

Letter: I kissed a girl and I liked it.

Reporter: #KatyPerry

Letter: You guys hashtag in this place? Nice! The ones of Monitor & Red Pepper were detained for questioning.

Reporter: Damn! Hope they haven’t touched Facebook likes and comments. They are practically like family to us. So what makes you special from other letters?

Letter: I know things.

Reporter: What things?

Letter: Some things.

Reporter: Some things?

Letter: Yes, certain things.

Reporter: Like what?

Letter: Thing one and thing two.

Reporter: That’s a lot of things.

Letter: A lot. And I’m not the only one.

Reporter: There are other letters?

Letter: You think an operation like this takes the effort of only one letter? There’s a whole army out there.

Reporter: A rebel group of letters?

Letter: More like a coalition. We call ourselves NRFFDL; National Resistance Forum For Democratic Letters.

Reporter: And it is this…NRFFDL that’s plotting against government?

Letter: No! We’re a peaceful coalition that just wants its demands met. We don’t even know how this escalated to police levels.

Reporter: Well, isn’t it obvious? You threaten government, you get arrested.

Letter: Threaten government?! Who told…we’re only fighting for basic human rights! The first letter included…

Reporter: Wait, are you revealing the information you carried? Cos we’re broadcasting live.

Letter: Anti you forced me. NRFFDL doesn’t tolerate misrepresentation by malignant saboteurs from government. You see how I just used threatening words that sound very much like opposition? That’s because the information we carry is not for jokes, my friend. The first letter included a simple request to Mama Nakimbugwe, a sumbusa wholesaler in Namanve, to return the general’s balance within three days or face severe consequences.

Reporter: What?!

Letter: Listen! I’m still finishing. The second letter, which was even sent way before the first letter, was notifying the public about the general’s change of name from ‘Tinyefuza’ to ‘Mastablasta Raggamuffin Bunsenburner’ but again police blocked its publication and the general was forced to go with an alternative name from the black market. Typical violation of human rights!

Reporter: Are you telling me…

Letter: Yes, I’m still telling you! The third letter, which is actually me, thank you very much, was just asking the public what ‘Opa Gangnam Style’ means. Why should a whole general who went to the bush and fought for the liberation of this noble country be subjected to lyrics which cannot be sung without the influence of alcohol? This is the kind of government oppression that the National Resistance Forum For Democratic Letters is fighting against and if the police are going to keep us from raising our voices, we’re ready to fight back! We shall not be intimidated by such feeble matters! We’re not cowards!

Askari: (Runs in panting) Sir, I’m sorry but the police just forced their way through the gate. They are coming upstairs.

Letter: Shit! Which side are your toilets?

12 Steps To Success: How To Be A Security Guard

By
Sleek
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Security Guard

It is The Urban Legend 12 Step Guide to Success in Whatever You Do: Leggo.

  1. Think of all the people who have ever pissed you off since you were a kid and hate them. Hate them a lot. Hate them all day long.
  2. Now with all that hatred and evil and loathing making your heart black and heavy and stonehard, go and apply for a job with a security firm.
  3. When they give you a  contract, you will see the part where it says in the job description “check people entering premises”. Cross out the word “check” and replace it with the words “molest sexually”.
  4. Get a uniform and see if it fits.
  5. Then either lose weight or gain weight—whichever is easier to make sure that the uniform does not fit at all.
  6. Remember that teacher who caned you when they caught you shooting mpafu in P3.
  7. Get stationed outside an office or mall or bank or some other place where innocent civilians tend to pass. Maybe even a church.
  8. Every time one arrives, remember the Congolese who stole your girlfriend.
  9. The person walks up refer to them as “YOU!” but not a good “you”, the kind of “you” that is used in the sentence “you contemptuous and revolting waste of flesh and carbon dioxide, you are the one who spends nights sodomising medium-sized rodents, aren’t you?” Say “You! What is in the bag! Bring and I see.”
  10. When the person suggests that you don’t have to be rude, and that they were not refusing to be checked and that they are quite ready to comply with the security protocols required to enter the building, sneer and grab at their bag. Grab at it as if it is a wild animal attempting to escape capture. Grab at the handle of their Gucci handbag as if it is a hyena throat.
  11. Rip the thing open and stare inside with your mouth curled downwards as if you already despise everything this person has ever done. Hope that you find something sexual in the bag like edible panties or a vibrator so you can take them out and embarrass the chick. If it is a guy and you find a vibrator, that will be your lucky day.
  12. You are not allowed to grab the person’s bottom any more but this doesn’t mean you cannot make them uncomfortable. Use the wand. That metal detector thingy. Use it suggestively to emasculate the men you check or violate the women. Then let them enter and cry from inside.

Application To Become Miss Uganda

By
Erique
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0
Miss Uganda Contestants

Many women countrywide heard that Miss Uganda was back was an even bigger catch: A Mercedes Benz with one year of fuel and maintenance plus a monthly pay of 1.5 million shillings. Tadaaa…

And so applications from all parts of the country started pouring in. Using our highly coveted ninja skills and a mosquito net (someone brought one to office), we intercepted one.  #ChuckNorris

Name

Nakalungi Gorretti Sweet Chokrate

District of residence

Kampala Uganda

Age

Am young

Height

Like six and a half rulers there

Occupation

A house in Bweyogerere. I occupy it with my sisters

Languages

English and Luganda and I can also hear Kiswayili

Skills & abilities

  • Laughing
  • Going to the disco
  • Looking hot
  • Being admired

Hobbies

  • I like zungululu on NTV
  • I like agataliiko nfuufu on Bukedde
  • I also like my boyfriend

Life goals

I don’t play football

Life challenges

When someone challenges me I just shout and they keep quiet

What would you change about the world?

I would make it straight instead of circle

What makes you deserve to be Miss Uganda?

Am very talented at being beautiful

The Creation Story According To Ugandan Book Of Genesis

By
Erique
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Ugandan Creation Story

In the beginning God created Straka and she was a ninja.

And God looked at His creation and said, “Iyiii!” And He realized that there were pages missing from this creation story. And so He called Adam from the Garden of Eden and asked him, “Adam, come forth and explain how I created thee. I cannot find some pages.”

“I can’t, Father,” Adam replied. “I be naked as if.”

“Naked? How did thou know thou were naked?” God inquired, to which a strange shrill voice replied. “When we went for the village council meeting to debate the marriage bill, they laughed at us nti mbu that we were bukunya.”

Adam looked over at the source of the voice and barked, “They were asking me, silly. Stop tapping people’s kb. Aren’t you supposed to be cooking supper?”

Kko the voice, “Ye what’s your case also you? Power has gone off and me I don’t use charcoal stoves. My nails.”

“Adam, who art thou?” asked God.

“This chick!” Adam replied and turned to the voice. “Gwe Eva, come and greet The Creator.”

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I don’t deserve to be in your presence. I be naked as if.”

Disappointed, God looked at Adam. “Did thou eateth of the forbidden fruit?”

“No, Father! A whole me?!”

“Wamma I gave him some,” interjected Eve.

“Do you ever shut up? God, is it possible to get another wife? I want my second rib to bring forth Desire Luzinda. This one is a gold digger.”

“Shya! You also what do you have you?”

“Is this your garden, stupid?”

“Hey!” God intervened. “I asked you two a question. Did thou eateth of the forbidden fruit?”

“No, Father,” answered Adam. “It wasn’t a fruit. It was soda.”

“Yes, Father. It was soda,” added Eve.

“I told you she was a gold digger. She only agrees with me when we’re talking about food.”

“Please! You can’t even afford chips chicken from just here in Wandegeya.”

“That’s in the New Testament, dwanzie. We’re still in the Old Testament.”

“Hey!” God intervened again, and Adam continued.

“I’m sorry, Father. Like I said, it was soda and she’s the one who gave it to me. So you understand when I say I want a divorce. Desire Luzinda wouldn’t get me in problems like this.”

“Is this true, Eve?” asked God.

“Yes, Your Honour…”

“#Fail,” tweeted Adam.

“I mean Yes, Father. But this wasn’t the forbidden fruit. I swear upon the living God. They said it would free my fun side and me for me this man for him he bores me.”

“You also bore me. Why do you think I drank it? God, Desire Luzinda.”

“Which soda is this you speaketh of?” asked God.

“Mirinda Green Apple,” replied Eve.

Kampala Babes

And so God asked Eve, “Why did you speak in bold italics?”
“She be’s local like that,” quipped Adam.
“You don’t change fonts when I’m talking to you. I’m disappointed in both of you.”
“Even me?” inquired Adam.
“She’s your wife. You share the blame.”
“My suffering will end the day I get Desire Luzinda’s phone number.”
“What’s a phone number?” asked Eve, confused.
“Google it.”
And so God cut their conversation short. “I hereby banish you both from the Garden of Eden. Go to Kampala!”
“Where?”
“Kampala. The land of suffering because the long public holiday is over and people are now back to work.”
“NOOOOOOO!” cried Adam in despair. “Please God, I’m can’t work! Look at me! I’m just a man!”
But God ignored his cries and continued, “…Kampala, the land of Green Apple and Desire Luzinda…”
“Okay we’re going.”

Streetsider Resigns: A Full Report On How & Why

By
Street Sider
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0

The Streetsider, known mostly for the darkness that engulfs a room when he walks in and for being the very famous legend who took on Enygma in the rap battle which made Enygma start wearing masks, and also for being a writer and director here at Urban Legend, is not here anymore. Okay, he’s not here in office right now but he has also formally resigned.

He is known for crazy stories like this and for disturbing, stop-you-are-killing-me-top-tens like this and this and for hundreds of other incisive articles. We sent out a highly-trained, specialist investigative team to google what happened.

The Legendary Streetsider kills the camera with nothing but bare hands. And face. Although we wanted the chicks & he just jumped in.

Agent Sleek here

I walked into office quite early. The first thing that hit me was that the belly-dancers who greet us as we walk in weren’t in position; strange. Then I saw a trail of goo on the floor…a trail leading up to Streetsider’s office. My Sleek sense started tingling.  I withdrew my weapon of choice, my left fist, from my pocket.  I kicked Streets’ door in in time to find him being led to an orb of light by fourteen aliens. I know they were fourteen because I asked them to get in line so I could count them. He said they’d paid him top dollar to teach them how to molomolo. It is this fancy gyration used to win International recognition. In one bleep, he was gone.

Detective Ivan here

I always suspected that dude was unstable. In fact, the first time I started thinking this was about the time I handed him my drink and he tripped right after. That and the fact that the letters in his name actually spell ‘Unstable’. Of course, that does not really answer the question of the ‘where’ does it? For that I had to go around questioning more of the usual suspects, and turned up nothing. Besigye denied ever walking with The Streetsider and all the popular streets claimed that he was no longer lurking by their sides. It was baffling to say the least. For a split second I even wanted to consult with a higher authority, but you know how it is with consulting high people, you can never get a word in. I seem to be digressing more and more. Instead of concerning ourselves with strange disappearances, what we should concern ourselves with is what this means for the country. For instance, will people switch from grasshoppers and turn to locusts? Will hips start lying? There’s a ridiculous amount of ‘more’ appearing in here, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. In fact, let me graciously hand over to the next capable person.

Coporo Erique reports

I always knew he had a thing for the chick who sells mandazi just outside the office gate. It’s only now that I confirm it. We don’t allow relationships at work for the sake of national security and resigning was the only way he was going to make it work with her. Either that or she had to start selling mandazi outside another office gate and risk losing a great deal of customers. You know this economy is not mandazi-friendly. Most people prefer sumbusa, rolex, marriage bill and the occasional katogo. Personally, if you brought a chick who sells katogo here, I’d probably also resign.  So yeah, Street’s resignation is a mandazi resignation.

Baz Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. here

I don’t know why everyone is looking at me like that. I didn’t do it, okay. Yes, I have always been jealous of his steez, and the fact that he can shoot bullets back into the gun caused me no small amount of nuggu, yes, I have consulted with his enemies and haters to find out what we can do to, to plot a way forward, yes, I even hacked into his Facebook account and sent Margla Da Dancehall Queen a friend request on his behalf, in the hope that things will take their own course. But I did not destroy Streetsider. I could not. Nothing can. Ela just know you will hear from him again. Probably on the BBC or something.

And finally, a last word from the last ninja standing, The Streetsider

Everyone knows I am as hard as constipation. That, and that only, is the reason why I am not going to allow this ka-tear that is threatening to pop out of my eye to make it. And if it does, that is why I going to suck it back into my eyeball by reverse osmosis. (As the convict said when they asked him why he was crying at his mother-in-law’s wake when everyone knew he was the one who had killed her, “what is good enough for the bullet is good enough for the tear.”)

Now as to the ‘how’ I have resigned, the answer is simple.

Aliens.

(yes, Sleek was right)

As to the ‘why’, I could say a lot but tell nothing. Some decisions make themselves and this was one of them. There is no real answer, if they brought Jennifer Musisi here and she fixed me with one of her stony eyeballs and demanded an answer I still would just present her with three and a half chapters of stammering only.

Maybe the aliens have the answer. Hmmm?… (shrug)

Stay tuned to ULK for all the jokes and laughs you need to get you through the day, the night, Christmas, your job, your break-up, tear gas … It was a whale of a time (as the wall clock protested when they asked it why it was blubbering)

This is the one who was once called Streetsider sighing out.

<<sigh>>

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