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The Next Camon is Coming With Ultra-Pixel Camera Sensors

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Get ready, the next Camon smartphone is almost here and we have some leaked images to wet your appetite. We were impressed with the first iteration of the Camon series, Camon C8. It was a phone many loved for its superlative camera which was said to be better than the IPhone 7 camera.

Last year they raised the bar in smartphone camera by producing the first 13MP front and back camera phone, in Africa. They called it Camon C9.

The phone’s camera surpassed our expectations especially the selfie and in low light environment beating most of the high-end device’s cameras hands down. So if the Camon C8 and C9 were that good, then the next Camon is going to be hot!
From the leaked pictures we got from TECNO’s insider, the next Camon smartphone is launching soon with a large ultra-pixel 16MP camera. Get ready to be wowed with what TECNO is bringing to the table this time around. It’s going to be a bang. Check below the first leaked image.

From the leaked image, one could see that the camera has a very large sensor just like the one recently seen on the iPhone 7. At the moment the IPhone 7 has one of the best low light camera on a mobile device, could it mean that Tecno wants to dethrone the iPhone 7 by implementing a better camera on the upcoming Camon smartphone? I will leave you to be the judge while we wait for the official unveiling but I foresee two elephants about to slug it out!

To be sure that the leaked image wasn’t that of an iPhone 7, I double-checked with iPhone 7, my research proved that they are similar but yet different. The leaked image actually has a more polished design with seamless curved edges.

This is the front screen of the upcoming smartphone. It has a centralized front camera just like the one on Camon C9 but we were not able to ascertain the number of megapixels it will be coming with. You all can start guessing what the front camera will be.

Dual Front Flash!!!

This will be a nice innovation and we are super excited about it. So if this leaked image is anything to go by, the upcoming smartphone is going to be great for low-light selfies.
I’m pretty sure I will be right when I say we just can’t wait for the unveiling of this much talked about Camon C9!

Third Leaked image- Ultra slim design, as Slim as magazine

We all love slim and light smartphones; they are beautiful and easy to hold in transit.
From my little research the Phantom 6 takes the crown as the slimmest dual back camera phone measuring about 6.15mm in thickness. But it all seems the title won’t be for long as the third leaked image shows a very slim device beside a magazine.
Looks like there will be a battle between “fasting or not”!!! Lol

While not so much is known about the other specs of the upcoming device this time around, it’s safe to assume that it will at least come with 3GB of RAM, Android 7.0 Nougat, and impressive low light selfie camera. So guys, let the countdown begin!!! WE CAN’T WAIT, CAN YOU??

Multichoice Launches Rewards Programmes For DStv & GOtv Customers

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Today, video-entertainment company, MultiChoice, introduced two brand new incentive programmes – DStv THANKS and GOtv WOW – to appreciate their DStv and GOtv customers. From this month, the DStv THANKS and GOtv WOW programmes will offer exiting rewards for loyal DStv and GOtv customers.

We are delighted to launch DStv THANKS and GOtv WOW to say thank you to our valued customers. We are committed to putting customers at the heart of the business and one of the ways is to show our appreciation for their loyalty and unwavering support by offering them more value,” said Charles Hamya, General Manager MultiChoice Uganda “We remain committed to exploring various ways to improve our value-added benefits and create platforms where we can show gratitude for our customers for being part of our family.”

DStv THANKS and GOtv WOW are customer-focused programmes aimed at recognising and rewarding subscribers for their commitment to the brands. Customers who qualify for these programmes include those with subscriptions that have remained continuously connected to DStv and GOtv nonstop for three months or more.

Some of the exciting rewards that await loyal customers include monthly airtime bonuses and two brand new entertainment channels for GOgetters as well as four additional entertainment channels on the DStv platform featuring the hottest telenovelas, movies and great local and international content for the whole family to enjoy, at no extra cost. The entertainment channels offered as rewards will offer a fantastic line up of ‘not-to-be missed’ new shows with something for everyone in the family to enjoy. These include:

Zee Bollymovies on DStv channel 114 and GOtv channel 12. This Bollywood movie channel offers a mix of classic and contemporary movies dubbed in English – expect it all: melodrama, dance, music and fashion. The channel will launch with movies such as Mohra, Kushi, Shaitan and Fitoor.

Viasat Life on DStv channel 177 and GOtv 57. Look forward to factual entertainment channel with inspiring stories of ordinary people who have made it big, insightful and practical information. The channel will feature shows with Hollywood greats like Snoop Dog and Martha Stewards in Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson in Wake Up Call and a variety of lifestyle shows like, House of Curves, The Three Day Nanny and My Floating Home.

Nina TV on DStv channel 143. Nina TV is a telenovela channel featuring African and Brazilian novelas of romance, passion, drama, suspense, action and vengeance. Viewers can enjoy movies such Lalola, Brave Woman, Side By Side and Mali.

Trigger on DStv channel 188. Trigger is a male-skewed entertainment channel infused with a dash of macho.

For two weeks, starting 7 March until 21 March, all DStv customers as well as GOtv Plus and GOtv Value customers will get the opportunity to experience unlimited access to these exciting channels offering a range of the latest quality content. Thereafter, all customers on Premium, Compact, Compact Plus, Family and Access plus GOtv Plus and GOtv Value who stay continuously connected for three months and more will have uninterrupted access to the channels.

There’s more, in addition to getting Zee Bollymovies and Viasat Life, GOtv customers will also be rewarded with monthly airtime bonuses, provided they remain continuously connected to GOtv Plus and GOtv Value for a minimum of three months.

“When putting together these programmes, we analysed the best global rewards programmes practice as well as what our customers love about the DStv and GOtv brands. The rewards offered had to provide greater value to our loyal customers beyond what they would normally get while also providing added motivation to stay loyal to our platforms,” added Hamya. “We’re confident that the rewards we have lined up for DStv THANKS and GOtv WOW will not only enhance our customers’ television viewing experience but also solidify their connection to our platforms.”

AgResults Legume Seeds Pilot Project Launch In Uganda

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AgResults, a multi-donor initiative between the governments of Australia, Canada, the US and the UK, as well as the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation recently announced the launch of the AgResults Uganda Legume Seeds Pilot in Kampala, Uganda. The pilot aims to improve access and availability of high quality legume seeds to improve health and nutritional outcomes of people living in Uganda.

“We welcome such an initiative to build a vibrant private sector that provides healthy, and affordable legume crops to all Ugandans,” said Opolot Okasaai, Director Crop Resources, Ministry of Agriculture, Animal Industries and Fisheries, who presided over the event, “By using these cash prizes, we will work to ensure our markets are strong and sustainable for years to come.”

The pilot was officially launched at the Protea Hotel in Kampala where seed companies displayed legume seed varieties that will be produced and sold during the pilot implementation period.

The AgResults Uganda Legume Seed Pilot operates a pull mechanism (also known as a prize competition) in order to incentivize seed companies to overcome market barriers and enter into the legume seed market in Uganda. The pilot provides cash awards to those companies who are able to find solutions to market challenges in the legume seed value chain. Through this approach, the initiative works to build a stronger, more competitive, and sustainable legume seed market that serves all Ugandans and beyond.

In addition to providing cash incentives, AgResults, together with Lutheran World Relief (LWR), who acts as the pilot manager, offers access to humidity and temperature-controlled storage to participating seed companies to encourage them to increase production and sales of improved high quality legume seeds as much as possible and allowing the seed companies to re-invest and grow their business year to year. By making conditioned seed storage facilities available, the pilot will partially insulate seed companies against losing quality seed or/and selling it as grain, uncertain demand, and against price volatility.

Attendees at the launch included:all representatives from major seed companies operating in Uganda;AgResults representative;government ministries, departments and agencies; agro-input distributors and dealers; development partners involved in seeds and related agro-inputs;and all organizations and individuals involved in the legume value chain.The overwhelming attendance from the various actors in the development and seed sectors showed incredible support for such a new and innovative approach to improving seed markets in Africa.

5 Ways to Ace Your Job Interview

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You have applied for your dream job and made it to the interview. Congratulations! This is the time the company is able to weed out the ordinary from the extraordinary.

Most people are prone to panicking when preparing for the interview session which leaves them tongue tied when asked an unexpected question that they did not cram or study for the previous night. We understand the pressure and that your future job depends on it but remember they are human too and were in your position before.

Do not worry if you exaggerated a little on your CV we are here to help you talk a big game and ace that interview that you have waited so long for.

This week jumia Jobs shares with you 5 ways to ace your job interview.

Know the company:

This a basic necessity for every interview, if you do not know anything about the company do not go for the interview. Not knowing about the company shows lack of preparation and the interviewer will definitely question your interest in working for the company. Before going for your interview carry out thorough research on the company this includes basic knowledge, strategic plans and their social media.

Identify your speciality and be memorable:

You must know why you stand out from the rest of the people that are going to be interviewed as well. Interviewers go through many interviews and take notes to remember the people that impressed them, impress them! Be confident, dress well and let your personality shine!

Stay positive:

You may encounter a particularly tough interviewer who could be shrewd and tear you down but remember to stay positive. This could be a technique and they are trying to test your resilience so staying positive will be an added advantage. If asked about past work experiences like handling a difficult boss or  co worker be honest but stay positive as they could be looking to see what you learnt and your flexibility in tough situations.

Practice makes perfect:

Ensure to practice before going in for an interview. Get a friend or family member and carry out a mock interview with the commonly asked questions. (you can get these from google) Avoid the cliches and practise talking about why you are perfect for the job so that you do not sound irrelevant to the interviewer.

Take a deep breath:  

Do not forget to relax and take a deep breath before the interview. Interviewers can tell when you are nervous and will take this as a weakness. Be yourself, smile and be confident that the job is already yours and this is just a formality. Interviewers tend to look for people who exude confidence as soon as they walk into the room, know their worth and know what they are talking about.

Finally, in all honesty going for an interview is quite hard and nerve wrecking but with these 5 tips we hope that the process will be more successful.

Good Luck!

Kisanja Hakuna Muchezo, What You Need To Know

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Museveni the Farmer

The president has declared his latest term not for jokes, those things are for former V.P Bukenya. Meanwhile, someone should offer that guy a job in Akandolindoli, he is idle these days but i digress. Back to the main point, you may be there thinking, “How do those things of kisanja hakuna muchezo touch me?” First of all, you need to think in correct grammar, i.e. “Why should I be concerned with quixotic presidential statements like Kisanja hakuna muchezo” Secondly, this is why you have to be concerned;

Zero DTP (Disturbing the Peace)

You know those days of Besigye coming from outside countries or coming from Kasangati to town with crowds of people. That stuff was for last term, this time it is for grabbing him just as the airplane enters Ugandan airspace. Sources say that Besigye was actually parachuted off the plane by special commandos who were trained by Chuck Norris and Rambo. Besigye was too stunned to believe what had actually happened but since he didn’t want to die in his own movie, he told people that he had been hijacked when the plane had landed which, according to our sources, is more fiction than a Kampala Sun news headline.

Kiboko Squad 2: bigger and better battering

The requirement for receiving kibokos in previous terms was actual participation in a demonstration. But this is kisanja hakuna muchezo, the requirements are different. Are you in the vicinity? Get kiboko. Are you wearing blue? Get kiboko. Are you a boda guy? Get kiboko. Do you look like a boda guy? Get kiboko. Is it shining? Get kiboko. Is it raining? Get kiboko.

You are fired

Are you a government employee? Be scared, kisanja hakuna muchezo is coming to the office or hospital near you. Ask those Nakawuka health workers. Do you want to pee? Do you want to buy airtime from maama junior`s kiosk? Do you want to quarrel with your ex on phone? Or you have a lunchtime date? Don’t dare move away from your desk because if the boss (and I mean the top boss) does not find you on the desk, YOU ARE FIRED!!!…..But don’t worry, it won’t be for long before you are reinstated.

Viral photos aka breaking the internet (the East African one)

Previously, the president`s photogenic moments fell into two categories. When he is addressing people at Kololo, Statehouse, Campaign rallies etc. The other is when his hairline hadn’t yet receded further back on his head and was making statements like “the problem with Africa is leaders over-staying in power”. But with kisanja hakuna muchezo, the president is a viral phenomenon with road side phone calls and power walks in the hills.

Uganda Breweries Limited Championing Safety At Work Place

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Uganda Breweries Limited (UBL) and International Distillers Uganda (IDU) sites today celebrate 4 and 9 years of “No Lost Time Accident” (LTA), a milestone they made on the 8th and 20th September, 2016 respectively. According to Uganda Breweries, an LTA is a type of accident that will cause a member of the workforce to skip work for a day to pursue treatment. These kinds of accidents are common place in plants where heavy machinery is operated.

UBL operates two plants in Uganda – a beer and a spirit’s plan, both of which employ an estimated 28,000 people through its supply value chain. As an end to end business, the company is involved in the process of sourcing materials through to manufacturing and to distribution of renowned brands including Bell Lager, Pilsner Lager, Senator Stout and Uganda Waragi.

As part of the celebration, UBL has launched a safety campaign themed, “I AM WORKING SAFE EVERYDAY,” to create awareness, sensitize and zero down accidents in the workplace.

Which can only be achieved through the development of a high-performing safety culture and the implementation of world-class safety systems and activities.

Addressing the press at Uganda Breweries Limited, Shane Healy, Supply Chain Director Uganda Breweries said the milestone is a rare accomplishment that many companies strive to reach but few eventually achieve.

“For a business of this magnitude that handles machinery, flammable and hazardous materials, attaining this safety milestone proves that our employees are firmly committed to safety excellence. We have established the culture in which our employees believe that no task is worth doing without taking the time to do it safely.”Shane relayed.

RonadleyMiti, The Uganda Breweries safety manager said safety is a core value at UBL. He added,” Choosing to work safely is the single most important job we all have to do – every task and every shift. I am immensely proud of our employees for achieving this impressive safety milestone.”

The brewery has dedicated a week to “Health and Safety” where it will take all the company staff through rigorous health and safety training to educate them about the risks associated with their work and environment in accordance with section 13 of Uganda’s Occupational Safety and Health Act, 2006 that states that stresses the obligation of an employer to ensure health, safety and welfare of persons at workplace.

Some of the activities for the safety week will include Safety and Health Awareness sessions (Road safety, Health living, ergonomics, Fire drills (day &night) and testing of emergency procedure as well as better Driver (Defensive driving) awareness and a Health Camp (Lung-function test, Audiometry, Cancer Screening (PSA, HPV, Breast Cancer), education, BMI, Nutrition, Fitness, vitals medical checkup, Diabetes and hypertension)

“We are committed to creating a ZERO HARM safety culture in all our operations, which we would like to see translated into our lives even away from the Brewery. Our aim is to create a proactive safety culture in which all UBL employees believe that all injuries and illnesses are foreseeable and hence preventable. We expect everyone to act in a manner that demonstrates personal commitment to this aim,” he added.

“Zero-Harm” is based on the belief that all injuries and illnesses are foreseeable and preventable. All UBL staff and persons working with them believe it is possible to work injury free and accept their personal commitment and responsibility to zero harm.

If Local T.V Anchors Were School Kids

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Sheila of NTV Uganda

NTV anchors are like those well fed kids at school, whose parents read for them bedtime stories, whose lunch boxes have sandwiches and watch cartoons like Ben 10. They talk about daddy`s new car, probably a Mercedes Benz or Range Rover and how their Christmas gift was an iPhone 6 plus. They know where the Swiss Alps are, not by reading the geography textbooks but because their parents spent their holidays there. They are the kids who buy rolexes at 15k instead of 2k and say they had a local meal.

WBS anchors are like those kids whose parents used to have it all, they used to have sandwiches in their lunch boxes but now there is fried cassava and mandazi instead. There was a time when their parents would drop them at school while driving Land Cruisers but now they arrive by boda. Other kids used to be jealous of them because they used to go to schools like Buganda road, Shimoni or Lohana which were considered top class but now no one cares.

Bukedde T.V anchors are the kids who say and do scandalous stuff way above their age, the ones who used to put mirrors under girls’ desks to…study biology. They are the kids who always wore the sack or had a bone strung around their necks because of speaking vernacular. During break time they would argue about who was the best amongst Rambo, swaziniga or chakinollisi…and blows would settle the arguments where necessary.

Urban T.V anchors are the kids whose report cards had comments like…“try harder”, “he is on his way but not yet there” or “he can do better”. They look at the NTV kids with some envy and hang around them all the time because they want to see the cool gadgets they have. They also want to eat some of the NTV kids` sandwiches because they only have two slices of bread in their lunch boxes. They are also the kids who had most winter nights.

NBS T.V anchors are the new kids who just joined the school from the village. Their parents have just landed in money or big position and are eager to flaunt it. The kids also display this new confidence, when a teacher asks a question in class, they will put up their hands first but give a wrong answer. They are the kids who brag how their dad has finished constructing a house in Najjeera and just bought a Mercedes Benz which has A.C.

U.B.C anchors are the kids who repeat class even in U.P.E at Kiddawalime primary school in Bukomansimbi.

BBS Terefayina. These are tight with the Bukedde t.v kids. So tight that sometimes you can’t even tell them apart. They have the same father but different mothers.

ABS T.V are just confused wierdos.

Shell V-Power Club Members Rewarded

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Vivo Energy Uganda, last year created a Shell V-Power club to establish a community of like-minded car enthusiasts and Shell V-Power fans to meet, socialize, establish networks, and share car related information, tips and ideas. The members each signed up for a Shell V-power card which earns them points whenever they consume Shell V-Power at any Shell service station across the country. Every litre of Shell V-Power consumed earns the customer 10 points, and the highest consumers are rewarded every month.

Vivo Energy together with Etihad Airways and Serena Hotel, have once again rewarded V-Power club members who consumed the highest volumes of V-Power in the month of July, with different prizes. The prizes included a set of 4 tyres, a 2-week end gate-away at the Lake Victoria Serena Hotel and branded tool kits.

Speaking while awarding the winners at Serena Hotel, Vivo Energy country sales manager, Edward Walugembe, said the campaign is aimed at rewarding existing customers to boost loyalty among them, as well as to encourage other motorists to try the brand.

“Shell V-Power customers will have the double benefit of winning different prizes such as a trip to Abu-Dhabi, with all air tickets being sponsored by Etihad airways, complementary fuel, a set of tyres and week end gate away at Lake Victoria Serena Hotel among others, as well as enhancing the performance of their cars by using the high performance fuel, helping them get the most out of every drop” said Walugembe. “We are seeing an increasing uptake of Shell V-Power especially by motor bikes looking to save on fuel. This is as a result of their appreciation of the fuel’s capability to enhance everyday driving performance and responsiveness,” He concluded.

The fuel has been formulated to meet with the latest environmental standards, as it is designed to reduce engine deposits, helping engines achieve optimum combustion, ultimately making them produce less emissions.

Minister Clarifies On Proposed Land Act Amendment

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On the 5th of August, the Minister for Lands, Housing and Urban Development, Hon. Betty Amongi provided clarification on the proposed Land Amendment, at the Uganda Media Centre in Kampala.

Three legal regimes guide land matters in Uganda: the 1995 Constitution, which vests land in the citizens of Uganda under Article 237; the 1998 Land Act CAP 227 and the 1965 Land Acquisition Act CAP 226.

The 1995 Constitution of Uganda and the Land Act provide four tenure categories under which land may be owned in Uganda namely; Customary, Freehold, Mailo and Leasehold tenure. These legal regimes provide protection for Ugandan land owners.

According to the Lands minister, the subject of the proposed amendment does not affect the status of ownership but rather deals with Land Acquisition for public works. The proposal is to amend the Land Acquisition Act, would allow Government to compensate registered proprietors and other land owners prior, and while infrastructure development work is underway; for construction of roads, railway, health centres, schools, power and water facilities plus any other critical Government infrastructure development project like dams etc.

Honourable Betty Amongi called for calm from Ugandans. She appealed to the public to remain objective and debate the proposal on its merits or demerits but not on the basis of their political leanings.

“Currently, the proposal is still at inception stage, and should the proposal be approved for an amendment, then we shall hold consultations in a participatory and inclusive manner,” revealed the minister in a press release, adding, “Ugandans will be given an opportunity to debate the merits and demerits of these proposals as was done for the Land Amendment Bill, 2007 by Cabinet and Parliament. That is the channel through which laws in Uganda are made.”   Similar proposals have enjoyed considerable success in countries like Kenya and India which have ably implemented people centered policies and laws and at the same time addressed timely acquisition of land for Government projects.

The basis of this proposal is rooted in the need to resolve long, cumbersome procedures of acquisition as contained in the Land Acquisition Act; the current land acquisition procedures as provided for under the law entails the followings:

  1. Planning to determine different land options available to meet public needs in a participatory manner.
  2. Exact location and size of the land to be acquired is identified.
  3. A notice is published to inform owners and occupants in designated areas that the Government intends to acquire their land.
  4. People are requested to submit claims for compensation for land to be acquired. The notice describes the purpose and process, including important deadlines and the procedural rights of people.
  5. Public sensitization and consultative meetings provide people with opportunities to learn more about the project, and to express their opinions and needs for compensation.
  6. Determination of the equivalent compensation for the land to be acquired at the stated date of valuation.
  7. Owners and occupants submit their claims.
  8. The land is valued by a Government valuer or by a private valuer appointed by the acquiring agency under the supervision of the Chief Government Valuer.
  9. The acquiring agency considers the submitted claim and offers what it believes to be appropriate compensation.
  10. Disclosure of award and negotiations then follow. Where there is acceptance of compensation award Government pays people for their land or resettles them on an alternative land.

The minister also revealed that the law provides land owners and occupants the chance to contest compulsory acquisition, including the decision to acquire the land, the process by which the land was acquired, and the amount of compensation offered through a cost effective and equitable complaint redress process.

The bureaucracy that underlies the acquisition process is what the proposal seeks to end because in the past, it has delayed most Government infrastructure development projects and must be cured through introduction of the proposed Land Acquisition amendments.   “There are scenarios where 90% of community who want services have accepted the value government is paying, then 10% rejects it and the project is compromised or abandoned and monies returned or not utilized,” reads the statement.

The Lands minister also offered clarification on the Competitiveness and Enterprise Development project, backed by the World Bank and implemented by the Ministry. This follows misinformation on the project by a local Luganda daily.   The minister said the purpose of the project is to improve competitiveness of enterprises in Uganda by creating an efficient and effective land administration system; in line with Article 237 Sect. (4) and Sect. (8) of the Land (amendment) Act which allows those owning Land under Customary Land to acquire Certificates of ownership.

The project has also provided for systematic registration of land to positively impact enterprise creation and socio-economic transformation by supporting land owners in both rural and urban areas to register their land assets.   The project is expected to improve land administration through the set up of zonal land offices in Kabale, Luwero, Mityana, Mpigi, Moroto, Rukungiri, Soroti, Mukono and Tororo to bring that to a total of 21 offices countrywide.

The project includes undertaking systematic registration of individual and communally owned land, through establishing Communal Land Associations (CLAs) and demarcating their land to protect it from being grabbed by issuing them with certificates or titles; and implementing actions for Strengthening Institutions and Mechanisms for land dispute resolution by engaging the Judiciary and other land dispute resolution institutions.

A similar project was done in Rukungiri in the 1950s to protect land owners’ interests by issuance of adjudicated freehold titles. Today these owners are the richest because of the economic transformation the land titles brought. The Ministry also did the same for people in Ntungamo, Iganga, Mbale, and Kibaale, called Systematic Demarcation. It has equally protected citizens’ lands from being taken away. Currently a similar intervention is underway in Jinja and Sheema districts. The interventions are demand driven. Government does not force any one, as long as owners see the benefits of tenure security in modern times.

Other initiatives where the citizens of Kasese have demanded for Certificates of Ownership; over 18,900 CCO applications have been received. Currently, over 5,000 CCOs have been completed and issuance is underway to the owners.

Reports therefore of Government wanting “to grab peoples’ land by ensuring that they get certificates is misleading, unacceptable and a plan to keep people under fear of threatened evictions. Hoima, Buliisa and Nwoya, have all gone to kasese to see CCOs in action, in the banks, being used during dispute resolution, protecting the rights of women and children and facilitating the poor to get conclusive evidence of their land rights and all of them want the same.”

“I want to appeal to the Politicians who themselves have titled their Land, to sensitize the population on the benefit of securing their rights under any tenure system rather than misleading them,” said the minister.

An Officer and an Unfortunate Gentleman

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Uganda Police Knocks Man

NTV Uganda broke a story involving police brutality. This in turn drained our phones’ batteries as people forwarded the clip over and over. It also created the impression that we were actually up to date with current affairs… but that’s not the story.

The police spokesperson reportedly said they would suspend the driver of the vehicle that ran over an opposition supporter. A section of the public got upset at how lenient this penalty was given that not only was a man’s life endangered, his pants were made dirty.

Not everyone was exhaling flames, however, as we found out when we interviewed this imaginary student.

ULK:                 How old are you?

Student:          Come on, man. Haven’t you heard about mature entry?

ULK:                 I always assumed it was an outdated reference to consensual intercourse. Let’s proceed.

Student:          What the ****! Man! I’m sorry, I cannot tell you how excited I am, fam! A suspe for cruising over a guy. Too baed!

ULK:                 Evidently English is not your strong point, are we to assume you feel for the victim?

Student:          Man, I’m G, you get? As in, this guy’s loss is my meat, those things.

ULK:                 I’m not familiar with the expression.

Student:          You’re pashing on jobo, you guy. Those things of one man’s meat is another man’s gain. So, by acting as a rump for the police, I am also benefitting mob!

ULK:                 How does that work out?

Student:          Spot! I’m not studying law or those things of courtroom drama, but from Suits, I know they can’t give a young one and an adult the same punishment.

*editor’s note; Suits doesn’t say shit about that. It actually encourages people to cheat in their exams and use the expression “gaddam”.

Student:          That means they can no longer cane us brown envelopes as punishments. So if I chop morning prep, guess what?

ULK:                 No suspension

Student:          Exactly. Imagine I went back to my zeeyi’s and told them I had been suspended. Do you know what they would do?

ULK:                 Judging by your demeanour, your father would regret ignoring his conscience the night it told him, “Pull out”.

Student:          You guy, you have mob frass! Be easy. Chill that shizzy. My zeeyi would lash me kiboks thinking I had run over a student with a police truck. Then he would lash me for stealing a police truck.

ULK:                 Shit. There’s some sense dancing around in there.

Student:          As if sosh? It’s like the sense is trying to dance squeeze with those words and is afraid of rubbing its body against the supple curves of the letters?

ULK:                 Dafaque?

Student:          Anyway, my point is, I can chop morning preps, skive classes, escape from school, hug visitors from other schools…

ULK:                 Excuse me?

Student:          As in feel their bodies against mine…while I hold them tightly to make sure they don’t bolt, what… and I can even touch student teachers’ bums.

ULK:                 Without being suspended?

Student:          That would depend on the student teacher’s weight and size. . . and willingness to be suspended. These teachers can be very difficult. Shocking as it is, many are really willing to spare the rod.

ULK:                 Tell me, how do you expect to make it in the world. You won’t get by with what knowledge you have clearly failed to accumulate.

Student:          Easy, I’ll sketch a government bail out.

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