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To you who graduated last week, congratulations. You run the good race, you fought the good fight, you went to club, you danced with some dodgy-looking girls in the club and you attended some lectures. Congratulations, you still made it. DJ, track number two.

Now it’s time to party! Yes yes, let’s. I know you are fresh from spending nights awake reading so you are very rusty when it comes to partying. Say no more, wipe those tears…I got this. Presenting tips on how to make that grad party of yours S.I.Z.Z.L.E!! Super hot one-time!

Each of these tips will help you highlight a different aspect that you learned from those years in school.

#1. Make a GRAND Entrance
Requirement(s): Great DJ, flexibility, buddies
Have you seen musicians make grand entrances? You have? You have to top that. The night before the party, have a nice artistic thingy installed from the roof of the establishment to your seat. The idea is to swing from the roof straight into your seat. Way cool. Waaay cool. Do some dry runs. Come D-day, swing into that seat with pride. Have some flashlights beam on you before you start the awesome descent. Are there no flashlights? Simple improvisation: Have a bunch of buddies come with torches. They should all point them at you at the same time. At the same time, very important. It doesn’t help if Jason points his torch at you when you are finally in your seat.

To stand out from all the other graduands who’ll be pulling off this same stunt, sing something as you descend. If you love Celine Dione, you could sing,

“My heart will go on…yes yes, my heart will go on…“

Or if you have hip-hoppy ears, you could do drop something like:

“They call me King Ho, copy…they call me King Ho, copy…”

This tip will show everyone gathered how flexible and agile you became while in school.

#2. Throw off the gown and show them how strong you became while in school
Requirement(s): Ball(s). Basically you need to be a guy
All you have to do is mid-speech, throw off that gown and show them just how strong you became while slaving away at school.

#3. Call Bebe to perform

Requirement(s): Bebe’s number

Ask Bebe Cool to perform. Why? Well, for one,  he is Cool. Also, he’ll sing ‘Big Size‘ while pointing at you. But since he has such a strong Jamaican accent, please have Shaba Ranks standing by to do the translation when you make the call.

(phone ringing with a James Blunt ring-back tone)

Bebe ‘Big Size‘ Cool: Dis be Bebe, wagwan?

You: I want you to sing ‘Big Size’ at my graduation party

Shaba, translating for Bebe: Pon di river, pon di bank I and I fi se

You: Will you come with some hot queen dancers?

Shaba: Dem queen pon pon se mi a se

This tip will show all gathered just how connected you became while in school.

#4. Backflip

Requirement(s): Bruce Lee movies

When you are finally called to give your speech, don’t walk there. Who does that? psssshhh. Slowly get-up from your seat, raise your hands above your head very very slowly, then let out a resounding battle cry. Follow this with a back-flip, and then two flips forward and finally, do a refined cartwheel . This should position you on one knee in front of the MC. Get the mic from him/her and proceed to give your speech. Again, to stand out from everyone who’s going to do this, go ahead and sing your speech. Hit the high notes, especially when talking about your friends. Point them out as you hit the notes. Think Pavarotti.

If you carefully follow everything above, we will all love your graduation party. We shall talk about it fo’ever.