The Streetsider, known mostly for the darkness that engulfs a room when he walks in and for being the very famous legend who took on Enygma in the rap battle which made Enygma start wearing masks, and also for being a writer and director here at Urban Legend, is not here anymore. Okay, he’s not here in office right now but he has also formally resigned.

He is known for crazy stories like this and for disturbing, stop-you-are-killing-me-top-tens like this and this and for hundreds of other incisive articles. We sent out a highly-trained, specialist investigative team to google what happened.

The Legendary Streetsider kills the camera with nothing but bare hands. And face. Although we wanted the chicks & he just jumped in.

Agent Sleek here

I walked into office quite early. The first thing that hit me was that the belly-dancers who greet us as we walk in weren’t in position; strange. Then I saw a trail of goo on the floor…a trail leading up to Streetsider’s office. My Sleek sense started tingling.  I withdrew my weapon of choice, my left fist, from my pocket.  I kicked Streets’ door in in time to find him being led to an orb of light by fourteen aliens. I know they were fourteen because I asked them to get in line so I could count them. He said they’d paid him top dollar to teach them how to molomolo. It is this fancy gyration used to win International recognition. In one bleep, he was gone.

Detective Ivan here

I always suspected that dude was unstable. In fact, the first time I started thinking this was about the time I handed him my drink and he tripped right after. That and the fact that the letters in his name actually spell ‘Unstable’. Of course, that does not really answer the question of the ‘where’ does it? For that I had to go around questioning more of the usual suspects, and turned up nothing. Besigye denied ever walking with The Streetsider and all the popular streets claimed that he was no longer lurking by their sides. It was baffling to say the least. For a split second I even wanted to consult with a higher authority, but you know how it is with consulting high people, you can never get a word in. I seem to be digressing more and more. Instead of concerning ourselves with strange disappearances, what we should concern ourselves with is what this means for the country. For instance, will people switch from grasshoppers and turn to locusts? Will hips start lying? There’s a ridiculous amount of ‘more’ appearing in here, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. In fact, let me graciously hand over to the next capable person.

Coporo Erique reports

I always knew he had a thing for the chick who sells mandazi just outside the office gate. It’s only now that I confirm it. We don’t allow relationships at work for the sake of national security and resigning was the only way he was going to make it work with her. Either that or she had to start selling mandazi outside another office gate and risk losing a great deal of customers. You know this economy is not mandazi-friendly. Most people prefer sumbusa, rolex, marriage bill and the occasional katogo. Personally, if you brought a chick who sells katogo here, I’d probably also resign.  So yeah, Street’s resignation is a mandazi resignation.

Baz Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. here

I don’t know why everyone is looking at me like that. I didn’t do it, okay. Yes, I have always been jealous of his steez, and the fact that he can shoot bullets back into the gun caused me no small amount of nuggu, yes, I have consulted with his enemies and haters to find out what we can do to, to plot a way forward, yes, I even hacked into his Facebook account and sent Margla Da Dancehall Queen a friend request on his behalf, in the hope that things will take their own course. But I did not destroy Streetsider. I could not. Nothing can. Ela just know you will hear from him again. Probably on the BBC or something.

And finally, a last word from the last ninja standing, The Streetsider

Everyone knows I am as hard as constipation. That, and that only, is the reason why I am not going to allow this ka-tear that is threatening to pop out of my eye to make it. And if it does, that is why I going to suck it back into my eyeball by reverse osmosis. (As the convict said when they asked him why he was crying at his mother-in-law’s wake when everyone knew he was the one who had killed her, “what is good enough for the bullet is good enough for the tear.”)

Now as to the ‘how’ I have resigned, the answer is simple.

Aliens.

(yes, Sleek was right)

As to the ‘why’, I could say a lot but tell nothing. Some decisions make themselves and this was one of them. There is no real answer, if they brought Jennifer Musisi here and she fixed me with one of her stony eyeballs and demanded an answer I still would just present her with three and a half chapters of stammering only.

Maybe the aliens have the answer. Hmmm?… (shrug)

Stay tuned to ULK for all the jokes and laughs you need to get you through the day, the night, Christmas, your job, your break-up, tear gas … It was a whale of a time (as the wall clock protested when they asked it why it was blubbering)

This is the one who was once called Streetsider sighing out.

<<sigh>>